Monday, December 15, 2008

Light bulbs, and other bright things :)

I haven't posted in a while... and there's a very good reason.

First reason is because (and I'm giving you the WAY simple and short version because I could ramble forever if I wanted to) blogging for me is an outlet, sort of a way to vent and get things off my chest (obviously right) - well Sgt. and I were talking last week and I had a light bulb moment that my dear, sweet, wonderful boyfriend brought up. I've been asking him to communicate better with me, but I wasn't really making the effort to communicate with him. Instead I would blog about it. I would blog about it before even mentioning to him I was feeling a certain way. Light bulb! And he was absolutely right.... how unfair of me to ask, and how unfair that he would have to come to my blog to figure out what was going on with me. I love him, he's my best friend, and I should trust him enough to tell him the good AND the bad.... it's never a problem when he's here, but when he's away there is a distance felt and it makes it harder to bring those things up. However, I've been trying, because the thing is, I WANT him to know that stuff... all of it, he's always the person I want to tell things to, even when they're bad. Often times I mention I posted a blog just so he'll read it and know what's up.... chicken, I know. But I'm working on doing better now!

I'm sorry honey, that I wasn't thinking about how it might come across. Thank you for being patient with me, and thank you for giving me, or being my outlet in whatever capacity I need. I love you!

The only down side to this is that once I talk to him about it (whatever it is, good or bad) I suddenly don't feel the need to type it all out to get it off my chest! I still WANT to... I love my blog, so just bear with me as I don't hope to jump to my blog first every time something happens in my life, I'm now focusing on jumping to the phone :).

Things between us are going good! A week or so ago we had a really good talk about the distance. About being apart. On my end of things, as I've blogged before, I just feel so far away from him when we're at our respective homes. The connection I feel between us, that feeling of awe while just being near him... the absolute and perfect love I feel from him, how great we work together when actually together is just slightly turned on its side when we're apart. It doesn't disappear, and glimpses of it show up from time to time, but it's a different dynamic. As we both talked about this and were honest with how we felt it became very apparent to me that really neither of us were wrong, and both of us felt the same way - we just felt it IN different ways. Sgt. is very level headed and it's a great quality when trying to talk through something together. I tend to react very emotional based... but Sgt. can think through it, he can keep me on track... which is what I need. We agreed that the distance made communicating harder.... if 85% of communication is non-verbal, then that is a great indicator of why we feel the way we feel when we're apart. 85% of our communication, how we feel loved just by being in the same room together, how we don't have to fill silence, we can just BE together, is already gone by logistics. LIGHT BULB. It doesn't mean we found the solution... it just makes more sense now.

Something I realized we can do (and I believe he realized, though I won't speak for him) is handle each other how they are, not how we are. I am a very "emotional" person - though not a big crier, I generally feel most emotions on a big scale. Something good happens "I'm SO EXCITED!" Something bad happens "I'm miserable". Sgt. is just not like this. I love him, but his reactions are much more subdued, which is ok, I just never thought of it like this before (can you tell I'M SO EXCITED about this new revelation :) ). Just because he doesn't react with pain and heartache at our separation, doesn't mean he doesn't miss me, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong. Conversely, just because I feel very disconnected when we're apart, and miss him some days so much it consumes most of my thoughts, because I ask so many questions about his day in an attempt to feel close to him, it doesn't mean that I can't handle it or that I'm literally suffering. It doesn't mean I'm trying to stifle his independence or control his time... it just means I miss you, and I love you. His reaction is ok, because that's how he is, and I LOVE who he is.... my reaction is ok because it's who I am, and Sgt. loves who I am. Part of the reason we make each other so happy is because there is a part of the other person we don't have in ourselves. Sort of like a puzzle piece that fits together.

Is this making any sense? It does to me.

So yeah, it was a wonderful conversation!! I have missed him a lot these past couple of days in the anticipation of seeing him next week. I can see us growing and learning more about each other, even that I figured we'd already found out. I am gaining more faith in his love for me... he never walks out on a conversation, he never intends to come across and mean or hurtful, and he's doing better at being patient with me as I hope I am with him. This whole reintegration thing is an interesting phenomenon, but if nothing else it has taught me that no matter what we may go through, neither of us has ever wanted to walk away from it and that's a pretty reassuring feeling :).

-- ok, on to less serious topics of discussion --

This week should be busy busy busy! I'm working all week until after 11pm but Friday starts the holiday fun! Friday I'll have Christmas with my family and Saturday I'm hoping to volunteer at the USO with Linds before driving down to Corpus for Christmas with my moms side of the family! Sunday is a recoup day and tie up loose ends day, then Monday I have work and will head to San Antonio Monday night! My flight leaves bright and early Tuesday and by 10am I will be warm and cozy in the arms of my man! After that - it's Cold Northern City for 5 days and back to the south where we will enjoy some time together. Can't wait!

Hope everyone is doing fabulous! I'm off to drop off some Christmas cards, (I know... I'm SO LATE) and run errands over lunch! Adios!

P.S. Pictures of a Texas Snow are coming your way next post!



Sounds like some really good insights. I know what you mean about venting on the blog first; sometimes I do the same thing- talk about something on the blog and then just assume Keith must know. I'm always impressed by the way you and Sgt. are able to resolve things!