Thursday, December 4, 2008

Standing still

I feel like at the moment, that's what I'm doing. However, my mind is not exactly sure what to make of it. The initial reaction is "MOVE!" "WHY are you just STANDING here?!" but then somewhere deep down a faint voice says "just wait..." "take a deep breath" "stand still"

This standing still notion has infiltrated all the areas of my life. And like I said, it's not a bad thing, I'm not upset or hurt or angry about it... some days it stings, but mostly, it just is. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights.... curious at first, not exactly sure what to make of it. Now I'm just trying to decide if, like the deer, I should bolt as fast as I can in one direction or sit still and risk the chance that it may be an oncoming truck... or it may just be lights reflecting from somewhere else. This deer analogy sucks, sorry.

First, lets start with work. Working two jobs currently, one which I love, and another that is just necessary and at best annoying. Neither are what I want to do with my life. I'm trying to get back to school, but The University of Texas (and yes, I'm using their name so you can all know that this stinks and the smell is coming from Austin - but I love my Texas - Hook 'Em!) won't give me my transcripts. In fairness, they won't give me my transcripts because I owe them some student loan money.... but I can't return to school anywhere without that baby. Not no way, not no how. Tried. I am working on paying it off but it's a slowwwww process. So I can't go get my teaching degree, which is the ultimate goal. I've been looking into some teacher assistant (para-educator, educational assistant... whatever you want to call it) positions in the local school district (and in a few others in San Antonio and *cough* Tennessee *cough*), since it would at least put me in that direction . There are a couple available and I fit all the criteria, just have to take the para-pro test which coincidentally they are not holding in Texas again until March. So I would need to wait until August to go that route. 8 Months. All of my closest friends are starting their careers and lives and I sort of feel like I'm stuck at this place, wherever it is, not being allowed to move forward. *cue the smallest violin in the world playing me the saddest song*

Next we can of course move on to my relationship. Lets start with the GOOD news (and none of it is really bad but... I digress) - Our visit was amazing. It was nice to just BE together, not worry or fight about worrying and fighting. We goofed off, we drank wine with family, we played scrabble, we shot guns (I know... I know), we sat quietly together in the car with no need to ramble or fill the silence, just happy! I feel like he has really been making the effort, especially after our visit. It's much harder to pack all that into phone calls but when we got to spend time together I never once felt unappreciated, unloved, or that he would rather be somewhere else. He was attentive and loving and FUN... and I miss him.

However, there is a void when he's gone. The way I feel when we're together, is not how I always feel when we're apart. And I don't want this to sound hurtful, because it's not anything he's doing or not doing... it's just different. The way we are able to show the other person we love them when we're together is not feasible when we're apart. Sgt. is very loving in his actions, he can be a charmer at times with his words when he is particularly in the moment, but more than anything else, it's in the way he looks at me while I'm cooking, or the way he warms up the car before we go anywhere because I'm always cold, the same way he takes his jacket off and puts it around my shoulders when we go outside, in the way he makes me coffee in the morning or smiles at me when I've already gotten up and done it... as if I have super powers. It's how he kisses me on the forehead when he's done brushing his teeth and I'm still scrubbing away, it's in the way he squeezes my hand three times to tell me he loves me when we're in a crowded room, or in a quiet car. How he offers to help when I'm chopping or washing something, it's shows when he gets down off the couch during a movie to come sit on the floor next to me and fold our laundry, it's in him grabbing my hand and us sneaking away from the dinning room to take a nap on the couch together, it's in how he encourages me when we're playing a game and in how he is a good sport when I kick his ass at skeet shooting :) How he teaches me new things when I ask. None of those things are possible from 1000 miles away, and I am sick of being apart.

I know, lots more people have done it for much longer, but we've never been together. We've never had a point in our relationship where we didn't live at least an hour and a half from one another, and that was only for 3 months! The majority we've lived on different continents, and now, although closer, different states is not a whole lot more fun. Whining again, I know. I should be thankful, we get even just a weekend a month, and I am. Many women would kill for just that, I remember because I was there too. And I know, we're still growing and building up out of the funk we were in, and it takes time. After his four day visit, I thought to myself again, "yep, he's it, no worries" and I love having that feeling back, but I hate being afraid to talk about taking steps towards the next step. Does that make sense? We ARE growing, and getting better, and I know he misses me, but there is no talk of any moving anymore at all.... which is understandable, it just doesn't make it any easier. The logic and realistic side of me knows it all. Stand still. No planning or talk of progression, just... be. Which isn't bad, and probably what we need, but damn it... I'm impatient, and a worry wart... it's incredibly hard for me to just sit still.
My mind runs 1000 miles per hour and this vast unknown leaves WAY too much room for imagination and interpretation. I jump to the most asinine conclusions out of reaction and worry because I don't have any direction... I have no insight on plans or what he'd like to see happen. I could of course ask, which he would probably prefer than having to read it on my blog, but for one week I'd like to NOT be the one bringing up a serious topic of conversation. I mean can't I just give the guy a break. Can you imagine being in love with me all day? Tiring. *this is where Sgt. says "baby, your biggest fault, is allowing tomorrow to take away from today" and I say something like "I know..."*

A little over a year ago, I got really good at standing still. When I moved out here, in the boonies, in the middle of nowhere, with no one really around, Sgt. is deployed, I learned very quickly to just be quiet. To enjoy that. To sit outside and just appreciate the moment you had. Particularly a moment where I wasn't worried that he was on patrol, or cold, or hungry, or lonely. I learned to not be so worried about a plan... that life would happen one way or the other and it was better to just sit back and not fight it. Well, I had about a year of that... and now we're back to square one... where did all my new found sanity go?

3 comments:

S.Lovely

Hey, I totally know what you are talking about with the whole relationship standing still. My boyfriend and I have never lived int he same place since we've been dating. It's frustrating because I know he's the one, but in some ways our relationship is a like a baby. I mean we've haven't seen the day-to-day aspects of each other, only the fun vacation-like aspects. I don't know what to tell you other than I think it's good to write it out like this. Then at least you can get it out of your system and go from there.

Becca

I feel you on the distance thing! K. and I never lived on the same COAST until we got married, so 2 years of looking at different oceans sure was hard to tolerate sometimes!!! But, I am glad to hear that you had a great visit together!!

erika

I'm glad to hear you had a nice visit together.. i don't know much about your relationship but it sounds like you guys needed it. I understand completely about the distance thing. Chris and i have been apart for 5.5 years and there are times when i just can't stand it and i go into monologues about how "over it" i am. He listens and makes me feel better but it's good to just get it out.