Friday, October 31, 2008

I love you

And if for no other reason, that one is good enough.

Sgt. called. So no, we didn't quite make it to our two weeks. Truth is, I was dying for him to call anyway, I missed having him there. Sgt. is my best friend, the person I want to talk to as soon as anything happens. On top of that, I am in love with the man. Not getting to share things with him or having him a part of my life, hurt. The day before I had finally decided that no matter what, I would be just fine, that I loved him enough to let him go if that's really what he needed, but darn it, I just wanted him back in my life! I just wanted to tell him that I spilled coffee all over myself trying to rush out the door in the morning!

We talked a lot. I mean, phone on the side of the face is really hot, a lot. Phone battery is dying, a lot. However, I promised that I would keep the details of our conversation just between us and I have in all the other areas of my life, as I will here.

We agreed that we wanted to keep trying. That we're not perfect, and that there are things we can and will work on. We both need to communicate with each other more and there are places in our relationship where we need to figure out a balance, as we react on very opposite ends of the spectrum to the same situation. But I think, that our faith in each other, the love that we share, and our willingness and desire to figure it out will make everything come back together and grow stronger with time.

He loves me, and I love him. Good and bad, past, present, and future - he's what I want. I know it will take some time. We won't be able to just jump back in and pretend none of this happened, it did happen, and we'll allow it to be a part of our story together.

As much as I hated our time apart, and he did as well, looking back on it I think it was necessary. Not in every relationship, (and I certainly won't propose it as a solution the next time we argue because if it happens again it becomes a problem in itself, not a solution) but we needed to look at our relationship with each other as one piece of an otherwise large puzzle. Everything else that is going on in our lives, with reintegration and with school and with work and with the distance... it's all a piece of the puzzle, but what WE have together, what we are to each other, is something that we stopped looking at individually and we needed a harsh reminder. It wasn't fun, but sometimes the necessary isn't.

We're planning on seeing each other in about a week and I can't wait! The last time we were holding each other it felt like my heart was tearing apart, and I look forward to replacing that last memory with a better one. With one as us starting another chapter, completely in love and completely determined. Neither of us knows the answers, but we're willing to figure them out together, with each others help... and I couldn't ask for more than that. :)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Good company!

Things at work are pretty slow today and the office is freezing so I'm doing my best to stay huddled in my chair. There is a large stack of files that need to be alphabetized calling my name but I'll get to it soon enough.

Last night I met up with Lindsay at a restaurant in San Antonio and I had so much fun!! Sushi was extremely tasty, drinks were good (and necessary after the last week I had don't ya think?!), and the conversation was super easy and fun! Got there around 6 and we just sat there taking up a booth and chatting away about everything until we looked down and realized it was almost 10:30! I know it's a cliche but I'm going to say it anyway - Time flies when you're having fun. I'm really really glad I went! Oh, and by the way, saw the ring up close and it's gorgeous! Lindsay, seriously, we're going to have to get together again sometime!

Not much else to update on. Today has been a pretty easy day! Hope everyone else is doing good!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Manic Monday

Well, after that downer of a post on Saturday, I headed into town to the bookstore (again) and stopped off at Starbucks to try one of their new signature hot chocolates! I give the salted caramel hot chocolate 4 1/2 stars!

A little bit later on I met up with Sgt.'s cousins and we went out to the house to visit, play scrabble, relax and eat. Good times, good company, it pretty much made up for the earlier portion of the day and even though we did get around to talking about Sgt., for much of the evening we tried to avoid it. She did tell me that he had a rough night on Friday, and ended up dancing alone rather drunk at a Coyote Ugly in downtown Nashville. I'm indifferent to the fact. I'm glad he went out with some of his friends.... I'm half glad that he's not taking this well... and half sad that he had to get wasted and then dance (the man doesn't dance... ever). My question was "Well, why was he dancing alone?" - I'm all for missing me but he's a good looking guy, he could've surely found someone to sway with - "I don't think he WANTED to dance with anyone else... besides he was trashed." Fair enough answer I suppose. Even still, I return to the "If it sucks this bad then why are you doing it!" statement

Sunday was a bit of a different story. I guess it all sort of caught up to me being the one week mark. I couldn't get the images of the day out of my dang head. I just kept hearing it all... seeing it all. From waking up next to him that morning to watching him blow me a kiss and walk into the terminal they wouldn't go away. My face was leaking (ok, I was crying) pretty much the entire morning and then I slept through the afternoon. Around 4:30 I woke up (again, out at Sgt.'s families house for supper) and visited with some people who were over. I was ok then... not great, but ok. At least I wasn't crying anymore. Sgt. called a little bit later (I can always tell when it's him on the phone) and I tried to stay out of ear shot... even though I would've loved to hear the conversation, I realize it's not my place or what I need. I did however hear her say (while she was walking around.... like I said, tried to avoid it) "You should call her" "I know, but trust me, she wants you to call" Which is mostly true. Like I said before... I implemented the two weeks but it would show a little bit of selflessness in swallowing some of his pride by calling sooner. Of course that's only in the event where there would be good news. If the news is bad I could just as soon wait another week to hear it. I do miss talking to him though.

Which brings me to my final topic (I guess topic?) - our mutual friend A.D. spent the weekend with Sgt. and he also tends to e-mail me while I'm at work. He e-mailed me this morning and although we agreed to leave Sgt. out of the talk, he still likes to throw in a comment here and there. In short he told me that he has absolutely no doubt that Sgt. loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But that for most of his adult life, he's been told what to do, where to do it, and how to do it, and he doesn't really know how to make his own decisions. Least of which, who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. That in essence, he needs to grow up, and get some of that young rambunctious kid out of him. That being a friend to him, tough as it might be, will allow me to still be close to him and maybe learn a different side of him while he's going through it, but not force me to be strung along by someone who is having a hard time even knowing who he is at the moment.

Ok. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in at the moment... and I know he may read this... so my disclaimer is I love him more than anything, but my heart is a little on the defensive right now. Bear with me, and forgive any snarky tone, please.

Point 1. Sgt, is being selfish. Sorry, but it's true. I realize that he never got to be the young college kid, with no cares and doing as he pleases, but that's the way life worked out buddy. I completely, 100% AGREE that he needs to learn to make his own decisions, and that he needs to ENJOY his time out of the Army, and his time in college, but thinking that doing that means living out wild weekends with 18 year old college freshman makes you sound ridiculous. And pushing away someone you claim to love, because you're afraid you're missing out on something that amounts to nothing more than a couple of "remember that time" stories is SELFISH. Sorry, but you're not doing me any favors, regardless if that's what you tell yourself to sleep at night. He's afraid of loosing me? Well, he's choosing every day not to be with me. And if you're afraid of loosing someone, you 1. don't allow someone else the opportunity to take your spot and 2. if there ARE issues that are affecting the relationship, you work your butt off to figure them out and fix them quick so that you're not loosing someone.

Point 2. If he's not ready to make that commitment (engagement), it's not a deal breaker. I never even brought up the thought of engagements and marriage, until he did. He's the one that pushed the issue so much and I went with it because of course I love him and of course I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Those are still true, but I love him enough to meet him where he is... and if that's not married right now then that's ok... I'm not at the point where I feel like we have to be married. YES being told that you don't after you said you did, hurts, but when that happened I need him to stick around. To hang in there. I stuck around when it was hard. When our relationship was maintained on prayer, and sporadic phone calls and short e-mails and IM conversations. I hung in there when he was in "soldier mode" and gave him and his love the benefit of the doubt. I stayed strong and believed in us. Now, he's walking away when it gets difficult, when there is a lot going on? Why?

Point 3. If he decides that what he needs right now (and frankly, the more I think, pray, and talk to other people about it, the more I believe we're heading in this direction. No matter how much I hate it) is to not be with me, I can respect that. Does it mean I want to cut him out of my life? No, not at all. I love him more than anything and even hate the fact NOW that we're not talking... but I can't be his friend. Not right now. In time, yes. How much time, I don't know, but I believe it's a place we can get to, just not right now. Because, I am in love with him, and talking on the phone and then hanging up without getting to tell him how much I love him and miss him physically and emotionally hurts. Because hearing him tell me about dates he's going on and asking about girls he's interested in or hangs out with is not possible without being jealous or self-doubting right now. Because I can't tell him about people I'm seeing without wanting him to feel like an idiot for letting me go. I can't be his friend right now because I don't WANT to be just his friend right now.

I miss him. I want to talk to him. But I am also angry at him today. He needs to understand that he WILL lose me. Because if on Monday, that's where we end up, I will begin to do other things. I will try and see other people, and I will jump at the first chance I see at being in love again (even though, I'm not sure if that's possible anytime soon). And the longer he waits, and the longer he feels like getting out some young rowdy kid inside him, the more I feel like not fighting for us. I'm tired of being the only one fighting.


In other news, I am meeting up with Lindsay from And We'll Just Laugh Along the Way for dinner and some shopping this evening and I can't wait! Have a great day everyone!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Only twice?

Well, it's been a pretty slow morning. Despite my efforts to stay busy, after cleaning and showering and curling my hair (because it takes a while and I wasn't doing anything else) and reading some of a book... I'm out of things for the time being so I figured instead of wallowing I'd blog.

Last night was good. Went to the local high school football game and watched Sgt's cousin experience her last home football game as a high school student. Oh senior year of high school. Everyone was there, all his cousins and aunt and uncle and close family friends, and of course I've become close to them as well so it wasn't awkward. For the first time no one asked "how are you doing?" in that way that means "How are you dealing with have your heart ripped out by that guy we love?" So I was thankful for that.

When I woke up this morning I was already bummed. Saturdays he would always get up before me and if we were apart, he would always send me a text message around my usual wake up time. "Good morning beautiful!" and this morning it didn't come.

I miss him.

I've been wondering a lot lately if you only get two love's in your life. Your first love, and the love of your life. You often don't hear anyone describe anyone else... you never hear about the "middle love" or the "third love" usually when people are thinking back or reminiscing about a memory of a love, lost or not, it's always "He was my first love" or "He was the love of my life."

I can't decide if this line of thinking gives me hope or makes me more miserable.

You see, I've had my first love. *J* - (Sgt. is also a J name... I must have a thing for them). *J* was my high school sweetheart. Took me to prom my freshman year of high school and we never looked back until my freshman year of college. We had grown up, and eventually grew apart. Nothing huge or dramatic, although I'd never experienced a heartbreak like that before in my life, but fact was, we were just different people now. We had a lot of good memories, and he will forever be a part of that time in my life. I loved him, for a long time he was the one person I never felt like I had to hold on my shoulders, as I did with most of the people in my life. With *J* I learned how to be taken care of. However, I learned most about myself the year and a half following our break up. I don't think at the time we broke up, I would've ever had the courage to do it, we had been together so long I didn't really think of us not being together as an option, but after we broke it off, I learned how to take care of myself. To not NEED to be taken care of by someone else... and I got to put myself first for a while. Of course, as the story goes, he came back, eventually after he'd found out I was seeing someone else, and after that short romance ended, I decided to give him another chance. A week later I realized my heart wasn't in it anymore and we broke it off for good. *J* and I are still friends. We talk maybe only a couple of times a year, but there's no bitterness between us. He was my first love, and although, I don't "hold a place in my heart" for him, like a lot of people claim to, I look back on that time in my life fondly, and with no regrets.

I dated a few guys between *J* and Sgt. They ranged in the span from just someone I dated, or went on a few dates with to a few boyfriends who lasted a few months. Some of them were good guys, and people I enjoyed spending time with. Others were horrible to me, and only hardened my heart away from relationships all together. Overall though, they all would've never measured up to more than someone just passing through, or someone I was just passing over. When Sgt. showed up, I expected him to just fall into this category the way the others had but there we were, saying goodbye one day for a PCS to Germany after only a few months of dating and I couldn't think of anything other than how I didn't want him to go. I was already falling in love with the man and as much as I tried to push the feelings aside, there they were, plain as day. When he left, I tried to date other guys, but he was it, all I wanted and from then on no one else ever even came close. Germany was tough, and even though he told me that he couldn't be in a relationship at the time, in a foreign country, not sure the next time we'd see each other, about to deploy, I never gave up hope. I kept it to myself mostly, but I always felt deep down like we would be together.

Little did I know a stubborn Sgt. who had tried to convince himself this girl was just some girl, never stopped carrying my picture while stationed in Germany. And when a young LT. asked him who she was and Sgt. gave the standard answer of "she's just a girl" the LT who knew the look all too well, pointedly asked Sgt. when we'd be getting married. When he deployed for his second tour, he began to allow himself to talk openly about me to his buddies. During one such conversation his friend looked at him and said "Dude, you're an asshole" and a couple days later he was making a speech to me about not being able to give me everything but if I was willing to hang in there, he would sure try.

I played a little hard to get but the fact of the matter was I was hooked from the moment he took my hand while walking me back to the car on our first date. There was no one else but him, and there was nothing else but us.

Not a day went by where I didn't feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world just by being able to call him mine. Sure there were hard times, and trying to thrive in a relationship during a deployment isn't the easiest thing we'd ever done but we hung in there, because we loved each other, and that was enough of a reason. I sought out every day a way to make him smile or to feel wanted, missed, and loved. Anytime we got to talk or message each other I felt like the only person in the world that mattered. He made me feel ALIVE. Energized, like I could do anything and he would be there to cheer me on. I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to know how much I respected him and cared for him. He used to tell me that I gave him the perfect day, and that no matter what happened in his life from that moment on, I would always be the woman who gave him something he never thought he could have. He used to tell me how blessed he was to have me in his life, how he was daily baffled at the fact I was really there. He told me that I would never realize how much I had taught him about love, and life. We loved each other with a fire, with a purpose, and unconditionally.

I still do, which is what makes this so hard, and so unbearable. What do you do when the one person who's love could literally CARRY you, is gone? I know I can't see into the future, but if we end up over, and move on about our lives, I don't see how it would ever be possible to find this again.

Sgt. is without a doubt, the great love of my life. Loving him brought me to life, made me realize what I wanted for myself, on a daily basis made me want to strive for more. Loving him turned the simplest word or act of kindness into a breath of fresh air for my heart, and soul. Just getting to see him smile was enough to wake up in the morning. Now what? What if there's only two? What if there's only your first love, and the love of your life, and the love of your life never comes back? What do you do then? Settle, I suppose.

God, this hurts. I miss him so so so so much.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thoughts throughout the day

Well things are going ok. Made it through the entire work week which is pretty impressive in my case... especially as badly as I've wanted to contact him.

Still not sleeping well at night at all, but I've managed to attempt to start sleeping in my bed again. Last night was the first night and it took me a while to fall asleep, and then I continued to wake up every 30 min. or so for a while. Finally got a few hours in. I think with time I'll just get used to it, and be able to sleep again.

During the day I've been doing ok. Yesterday I was actually in a great mood when I woke up!! Throughout the whole morning and early afternoon I felt like my old self and then memory came out of nowhere and I went back to feeling bummed again. Evening was ok, I went to the bookstore to read and take my mind somewhere else for a few hours. Trying to keep my schedule busy because the less down time I have the less I dwell on it all. (and the less I re-read old e-mails and text messages and go through old pictures)

Still miss him a lot. This morning his cousin sent me a message saying he was miserable and my reply was "GOOD! That makes two of us, which is why this is STUPID" She said she wasn't sure how not communicating would make it better and I told her I agreed, but the man asked for a break so that's what he got. She said we were both being stubborn and I told her that it was my turn to be. As much as I'd like to run and fix it... it's not my job. Not yet. I agree, there are things we can both work on to strengthen our relationship and I am nowhere near perfect, there are definitely things I can do better... but the fact that we are not together right now, is not my choosing. I didn't need a break, or space. I needed HIM, and instead he walked away. I realize it almost sounds childish (maybe it even DOES sound childish) but, I'm not going first. Won't do it. If anything, just the simple fact that he would have to swallow a little bit of his pride in order to apologize and "come back" (it's the only term I can think of at the moment) - would at least show that he is willing to not just think about himself.

Even still... memories of him are everywhere. They are ingrained into everything. I can hardly look around or say something without relating it to a memory of us or of him. Every day when I walk home, straight past my apartment is a little chapel that is my favorite place here, and we had a picnic there while he was home on leave. I see it every day. When I went to eat with a friend on what would have been our anniversary, I automatically sat with my back to the door, because anytime Sgt. and I go eat, he doesn't like to sit with his back to the door, so I do. We took a picture here, he first told me he loved me here, this is the last place he kissed me before he said goodbye. The man is everywhere and I can't avoid it! Truth is... I don't know if I'd want to, it's the only part of him I have right now.

Aside from laundry, this weekend is already pretty much full speed ahead. Every day DOES get a little better... of course anything would be better than that first day. It'll all be just fine though! The silver lining is just that.... one way or another, it'll all be ok :).

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Woah... chills

He just texted me.

"Listen, I know we're not talking... but I couldn't go through THIS day without saying I hope you're doing ok. Take care"

I immediately hit reply and said

"I'm not, I freaking hate this. But I hope you're doing ok too."

But when I went to hit send I didn't have signal and it wouldn't go through... so I wasn't able to send it and took that as a sign. I didn't reply, but god I wanted to. Still want to.

Hurry up 5:00pm so I can distract myself with pedicures!!

Blog Letters I

Well, weak moment number 1. Here it is. I want to call him so bad. Don't worry, I'm not, but I want to. I want to hear his voice, ask how he's doing, and hear him say that this is the worst damn idea he's ever had.... I'd settle for just hearing his voice.

This just HURTS. I hate it.

I decided that in my moments of weakness, much like I did while he was deployed, I would write him a blog letter. It prevents me from saying these things to him, but it's still a good way to get my thoughts out there. Here's the tricky part... Sgt. knows about the blog now. If he thought about it or wanted to, he could easily come straight here and see how I'm doing. Do I think he is? No, probably not.... and not because I don't think he cares how I'm doing, but more because I don't think he thinks about the blog often, if at all... so I'm still thinking it's a safe place to share these thoughts... and maybe, if he is that concerned, if he does care that much, then he'll know how I feel without me having to tell him.

Here goes nothing


Dear Sgt.,

Happy Anniversary. Not exactly how we thought we'd be spending it huh? Well, maybe that's just me, but I like to think that this all wasn't the end goal. How are you doing? I know you have a PT test tomorrow morning, so good luck!

God, I miss you. I can't sleep in my bed at night cause all I can think about is the last night and day we spent together. I keep seeing you there, with my head on your chest, and it just hurts. So I've been occupying the chair a lot. Monday and Tuesday I took off work, mostly to hide, and it worked out pretty well. I slept a lot and watched movies. Today has been harder than the others. People keep giving me that sad "I'm so sorry" look and I hate it. They all want an explanation but I don't have one to give. I suppose I could make this all about you, tell them that you're a jerk and I have no clue whats going on in your head, but it's not that simple. Sometimes things aren't that black and white. Part of it's true, I still don't know exactly what happened and I keep trying to think about where we could've done better, or where things turned. I just want you to be happy, and ok. Whatever you're dealing with or going through I wish I could take it on myself. I'm sorry that I made it harder, not easier. I hate that.

I told you that facebook made it more dramatic huh? I know you said you weren't going to change the relationship status stuff when we joked about it, and that you would let me do it if I wanted to. I'm sorry. I just kept looking at it and part of me was scared that you would change it first so I went ahead and did it. That stupid broken heart mini feed is just taunting isn't it? You know you can hide it, if you wanted to... like I did. Maybe I'm saying that more for myself. I hate logging in and looking at it with your name next to it.

I wish you were here, or that we were talking. I wonder a lot if you get the urge to call or text at all. I talked to AD today and he said he was taking you to Knoxville on Saturday. I refrained from asking anything... it was hard, but I made it. Part of me wants to just e-mail you and say "ok, enough, this is ridiculous, it's US... you and me, and we should not be doing this. Yes, agreed, we are at a rough patch, but this is stupid... we're supposed to be together and I love you, and you love me so with at least that we should be able to figure out something else." But then I stop myself. It's not my turn. As selfish as that sounds.... I've done all I can to show you how much I love you, care about you, support you, and want you. If you don't see that now, or if that is not what matters, then nothing I say will change your mind. You said you needed time, and so I can give you that.

Just don't be stupid. Please. Don't wait too long. Hell, even these two weeks. I know it was my stipulation, but you know me, can you imagine the romantic undertones of just not being able to wait that long? I'm just saying ;). The truth is, I'm scared. I can already feel myself questioning if you coming back is what I want or need. I love you, more than anything, there is no doubt, but looking back on the things you said, it is both scary and heartbreaking to believe that either A. you were lying or B. your feelings could change that quickly and easily. I know, you say neither, that you weren't lying and it's not that your feelings changed but be honest. If you wanted to be with me, if you meant it when you said "If I have YOU my life is full" "I am so blessed to call you mine" if you still felt that way, then this would not be happening. And if all of that was just an easy let down, if the time, and the growing up, and the I'll come back for you's were all just an easy way of letting me go... do me the biggest favor you've ever done and tell me that it's done. You are interested in seeing what else is out there, you don't think I'm the one... whatever painful situation it is, if that's it, please, love me enough to let me know.

I miss you so much... it's so strange how I miss even just updating you on my day, the simple things. God, I love you. I love you more than I can even explain or probably realize. It's so weird because you would think that not having you in my life would just make me incredibly sad... and it does, to a degree, but mostly it just makes me empty and numb. Like I just exist, but don't really live. You said to me once that as long as we choose each other every day... we'll make it. That every day it's a choice. When did we stop choosing each other? Or did one day we forget? Well incase I forgot, I choose you, I miss you, and I love you. Please take care of yourself.

All my love,


Witty huh.

Well, today would've been Sgt's and my anniversary. Nice huh? Safe to say I pictured this day going much differently. This morning while unlocking the door to work a cockroach fell on my arm. No, you can't make this up. I suppose in a weird way that was sort of icing on the cake huh? Never mind the fact that the incident of a cockroach making contact with my body even on a PERFECT day would cause me to freak out... the fact that it had to happen on the day where I would've much rather just gone without... would've rather skipped the entire Wednesday and gone straight on to Thursday... a day where my emotions are shaky at best - just wasn't a good idea, Universe.

I guess it was God's way of saying "KJ... I'm telling you... don't worry... things can ALWAYS get worse." I mean really, I was thinking to myself when I couldn't sleep last night "Today is going to be horrible. I am apart and not speaking to the love of my life, the one person I want to talk to more than anything. And it's not like he's deployed, no, he's in Tennessee with full talking capabilities, we're just broken up. And being broken up on your anniversary is just about the worst way to celebrate it. Yep. Today couldn't possibly get any worse" - and then, a cockroach falls on my arm. Great. You can laugh here.... it almost is humorous, hell, I'd probably be laughing too if I remembered how.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Highways and Broken Hearts

Well, home now... I guess if there is a good thing in all this it's that sometimes you CAN go home again.

Was anyone else really dreading the drive down as much as I was? I mean c'mon... who wants to sit in a car for 1000 miles with the person who is going to dump you within the next 24 hours? And I'm not even a glutton for punishment!!

The first couple of hours sucked, I was sad and he didn't know what to say. Then... for some reason, for whatever reason, maybe that it's exactly what we needed, things took a turn for the better. The great. So great, that if things had been exactly like that drive for the last three weeks, I wouldn't be sitting here with a bottle of red wine in the candle light listening to sad songs. Don't worry, I AM drinking it out of the glass, I just can't be bothered with having to get up to pour more, so the bottle is accompanying me as well.

We talked about everything, we laughed, we kissed each others hands, we repeated "I love you's" over and over and over again. We discussed our issues, and our relationship. We talked about things that had nothing to do with our relationship. We actually took a 40 min. detour (read: lost) because we missed our exit since we were so wrapped up in each other at the time.

We left Tennessee at around 5am and didn't get to my apartment until about 11:30 that night. We took a shower and went to bed. We woke up early, around 7, so that we wouldn't sleep away our last few hours together. He made me coffee and we just enjoyed one another.

We left for the airport and the drive down was pretty quiet. We listened to the newest Staind CD... which could probably be considered a form of emotional cutting in that situation, but we listened anyway. We held hands and did our secret "I love you" squeezes. When we arrived at the airport we parked in the garage and then walked inside to get his boarding pass. The whole time I was singing my ABC's in my head to avoid crying. "God this hurts" I thought. I remember actually looking down and I was holding my hand over my heart not even noticing. I think subconsciously I could tell it was breaking apart. He firmly held my hand through the airport, almost as if he wasn't sure exactly how to let it go. Then he walked me back to the car.

As soon as we stepped up to it he turned and grabbed me in for a hug. He held me for a long while and I was taking in deep breaths to avoid letting the tears fall. I was tired of crying in front of him. He said all the things you could imagine wanting to hear... how much he loved me, how much he was going to miss me... and I just said thank you. What I wanted to say was "Then why are you doing this!" but I didn't. At this point, it was already done. We prayed together. He kissed me and hugged me over and over again and begged me to drive home safely. He was holding my hands in his when he looked at me and said "We're doing the right thing, right?" "I don't know" was all the response I could muster. "But we can't think of anything else, right?" He asked next. "No, I guess not" "Ok then, so we'll get through this... this too shall pass" "mmhhmm" His eyes looked so sad. What I was really thinking was, "I hope we get through this, but this is wrong, we should be working through it together, not breaking up to fix it. I'm moving on starting Monday, and I hope you figure out whatever it is you need to figure out before it's too late."

It was finally time. He went to hug me one last time and as we were holding each other I couldn't keep it in anymore and I could feel my tears hot on my cheeks. I said it, I didn't want to say it, but I couldn't think of anything else to say so I spit it out, "Please, just come back for me" "I will, I will, I will" he said. Why is this so hard? Why is this so dramatic? and then when I looked at him and he looked like he was tearing up, I wanted to scream. "If this is so hard then why are we doing it?!?!" He opened my door and put me in the car. He held onto my hand as he told me he loved me one more time. "To infinity" he says. Then he kissed me and shut the door. Before he walked away he put his hand on the window and I reached up to meet it. "I hate this" I thought. As he turned to walk to the terminal I placed my head down on the steering wheel and cried. When I looked up out of my windshield up at the bridge cross from the garage to the terminal, there he was, standing there looking down at me. I looked up and he put his hand out in a wave. I put my hand up to the window and then he did the I love you sign in sign language. I did it too and held it there for a minute. He then blew me a kiss and walked into the airport.

This is awful. Straight out of a made for TV movie and here we are, still breaking up. Horrible, isn't it? On the drive home I finally called my best friends to update them on everything. I stopped at the store to buy wine, and candy corn, then headed out to Sgt.'s families house.

It might be strange that on the night of my breakup, I go to his families for supper, but they invited me and insisted on me coming. I got to know them and they became "family" before Sgt. and I even started dating so in spite of our relationship and what terms it might be in at the moment, they will always be important to me.

When I got there, we opened the wine and I vented. I didn't cry, I was mad. Still am. They are very good at allowing Sgt. to just be "some guy" when I need it to be that way. We put on Diary of a Mad Black Woman and I made funny/sad comments like "don't believe him!" as we laughed and drank. Sgt. called and I could tell because T stepped out of the living room to take the call. When she sat back down I asked "Is he ok?" and she said "no, he sounds about as thirsty as you are at the moment, but don't worry about him, he'll figure it out" He called to ask if I made it home ok.

Throughout the night he texted and called T. I didn't ask what he said, or if he was ok anymore. The only other question I asked was if he made it home ok. As the night drew on and everyone else was in bed, except T and I, I let some of those defenses down. Truth be told I was a little tipsy and that probably had something to do with it. But I allowed myself to ask why he was doing this, and what I could've done different. "It's not you" she said "it's him" I paused and thought about that for a minute and then I said "I wish it was me" and began to cry. She said he told her he felt awful and she told him "you should, you just let the best thing that ever happened to you go, so you should feel awful" "what should I do?" he asked ... I don't remember her answer.

She told me I would be ok and I said I knew. I know I'll be ok... it's just, I don't WANT to just be ok.

This morning I got home around 7, after spending the night out there, and went back to sleep. I woke up just before noon and unloaded the car. My apt. is a mess... but I'll clean tomorrow.

Honestly, I haven't cried a whole lot. Not like I thought I would. I've cried, definitely, but it's usually just spurts here and there. Mostly, I am in a daze. I am hurt, but numb, and the times that I'm not, I'm angry.

Why am I expendable? Even if he DOES come back and decide he made a mistake and wants to be with me, it doesn't make it better. It doesn't make it ok. He kept saying it wasn't a break-up, just a break, because he was looking at it with the intention of getting back together. I told Saturday, he could do what he wanted, but that it didn't work like that for me, and it was very much a break-up. Why? Because, I can't go into this just thinking that sometime soon, he'll come back. Truth is, what if I don't want him to? What if I wake up out of this haze I'm in and realize "I can't do this again, and I can't trust that it won't happen again." And why does he get the comforting thought that I'll just be here when he figures out whatever it is he needs to figure out. No.

The terms we set are these: For two weeks, no contact. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texting... for two weeks. For him, because if he really needs time to take a step back, it's got to be a big step back and for me, because the calling and contact and "but why?" statements after a little too much Pinot is torturous. After those two weeks we will see where we're at and go from there. Like I said, the only difference between his "break" and "break-up" theory is with the hope we will end up together so we are "allowed" to see other people if we choose.

I'm just lost right now. I miss him so much. He wanted to get one last text in before the two weeks even though we agreed that it would begin when he got to the airport so this morning I hear the familiar chime and go to check.

"Well, I made it back to the house and am texting, like I said I probably would. I hope you're feeling a little better and getting better by the minute... frankly, I miss you, and hope I start feeling a little better soon too. I LOVE YOU, no matter what, and I will talk to you very soon. As in, two weeks of course. Please take care of yourself. - Sgt. " - true to my word, I did not text back.

I hate this. All of it. The next two weeks will be horrible, and I think the worst part of it all is the not knowing. I don't know if he will come back, even though that seems to be his intent. I don't know if I will let him come back, even though right now all I want to do is be in his arms. I don't know anything right now and I hate it.

Somewhere in there, in all of this, it's there. That potential to be amazing in love, to be it for one another, to be strong. I just hope that somewhere through all of this, we can find it.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Shades of gray

It started out with Grey's Anatomy and somehow ended in a gray area.

I guess out of all the talks we've had over the last couple of weeks, last night could be considered "The Talk." We were sitting on the couch watching Grey's... Sgt. got home late last night, Thursdays are his long days with school so I didn't see him until around 7:30 yesterday. When he came in we said hi... things had been a little bit better over the last couple days so I wasn't really expecting a talk last night but you know what they say about the unexpected.

At first, during a commercial he said that we should talk about the job situation thing. Since I took the month off of my regular job to come to Tennessee, I wasn't getting paid for this month, so the idea was that I had to at least find a part time job while here in Tennessee. That proved harder than expected and after applying nearly EVERYWHERE.... not kidding, even the Dollar Tree, still nothing. He was telling me that if I felt like I needed to go back for work, to at least get a couple of weeks worth of guaranteed pay out of the month, that he would change his plane ticket so that he could ride down with me this weekend, if that's what I wanted to do.

I thought for a moment when he mentioned it. It's strange because it was a thought I considered but I just kept justifying it with the leaving now would be a bad thing for us, at at the moment that was more important. I was quiet for a moment and said "Are you ready for me to go home?" he hesitated before he answered and that was all I needed to hear. I got up to walk back into the living room and he said "Baby, please don't walk away, I'm just thinking, I don't know." So I turned around. We started to talk again. It's not about him not wanting me here, it is about him feeling guilty about me sacrificing my job for a month to be here, and him not being able to be "there" with me in all this.

I cried. I cried a lot. The kind of cries where the words just start coming out really fast before you have to take your next deep breath. I held it together ok in the beginning, because in all honesty, I just felt it coming. I think you always know... or at least in my case, I always know, as much as I'd like to deny it. He said something along the lines of "We have the rest of our lives to be together, right?" and I said "That's what I thought" and that's when I lost it. He took my hands in his and just said "I know, I'm sorry." I could tell he wanted to make the pain go away. It's a strange feeling being where I am. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me, and I believe him when he says he loves me, and that he could never love anyone like he loves me. Maybe all of that is just me being in denial... but I can't and won't try to justify what I believe or why I believe it. For now... it's all I have.

"I just don't know how to be in a serious relationship right now. And I don't want to break up, I just think we need to take a step back" "I don't do breaks Sgt., because they hurt, and they suck, and there's too much gray area.... you never know for sure" "Please, just trust me. I don't know how else to tell you it's not your fault and there's nothing you could've done and nothing you did... I just need to grow up." "But I don't understand, why does this have to be something we have to do alone? Why can't you lean on me, or let me be there for you? Why do you have to be so damn stubborn and just want to do it your way?" "I know... but before I can lean on you the way I want to, and the way you want me to, I have to learn to stand on my own."

I told him it wasn't fair. That he already got to push me away once, and that I would give him whatever space and time he needed because I love him and I don't know any other way to do that, but that it wasn't fair. He understood and apologized, but he had no concrete answers for me as to what exactly was wrong, and what exactly would fix it.

So... I'm going back to Texas. We're leaving tomorrow. Yes, we. He's going to make the drive back with me and then fly home on Sunday. The trip will give us a chance to talk about what all this break will entail and to say our "Goodbye's." He was sad last night as we talked about what time we needed to leave and about me packing... which made me feel a little better. We were planning on going to Vermont over Christmas so I could meet the last of his family. He asked me if I would still go with him, no matter what our status is in December, he said that he is still going to love me and care about me, and that even if we are only going as friends, he still wants me to meet his family, and to see Vermont at Christmas time. I agreed. As I think about it now, I'm still excited, but if something does happen, and for some reason I'm too heartbroken or too torn to do that, I will just pay him for my ticket and use it as an opportunity to visit a good friend in Maine.

He says that it will all be ok. That he'll figure it out and then we'll be ok and things will be right again. God, I hope he's right.

I just don't understand. I've tried a million ways to justify it, and I know everyones different and every situation is different, but I don't understand how everything went downhill so quickly. Two months ago we were more in love than we'd ever been. We had the world at our feet. We had plans, and dreams, and each other. Now I don't have any of it.

I want to believe him so bad. It's such a strange place to be... I am in a world of pain, heartbreak sucks, no matter who it comes from... but on a weird level, I actually believe that we'll be together. That there is nothing else but that. That no matter what we go through now, eventually, we'll end up together. I believe him when he says he loves me "to infinity and beyond" and I also believe that we can NOT keep going on like we are right now.... I just wish there was another answer.

Neither of us slept much or very well last night. I got up at 5:30 this morning to make muffins. I bake when I'm stressed out... so I made muffins. I also wanted to make breakfast for us one more time. So we'll have tonight, the drive tomorrow and Sunday morning. The rest of the future is quite gray. I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks or months. I don't know if he's letting me down gently or if he really wants to get his head on straight and then come back for me. I don't know if I will be able to take it all a second time.

What I do know, and what I told him, is I will take his cues. Because this is a lot of him... since I'm obviously not a fan of the idea and because I refuse to be "that girl" who is constantly calling and crying about how I miss him, I won't call him and I won't text him probably much if at all at first. That if he reaches out to talk, I will be there, but I can't beat myself up every day getting rejected. I just wish there was something else.

I suppose I have some crying and packing to do. Expect some not so upbeat post these next few weeks... sorry folks. On the plus side, there will probably be a lot of baking, so if anyone is in the market for some cobbler, or cupcakes, or muffins (all of which I've baked whilst here) -let me know.

The weather is quite overcast, which I guess is appropriate. Didn't quite make it to that anniversary either. This morning he asked me if I was going to be ok, I smiled a little and said "yeah, I'll be fine" he made some joke about trying to get me to hate him before Sunday so at least that way he wasn't hurting me and then paused and asked again, "so you're going to be ok?" "ha, what other choice do I have?"

I'll be ok, just not today.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Getting somewhere

Yesterday I tried my best to start a new day. There's something to be said for being stubborn, if for no other reason than I just refuse to continue doing the same unhappy dance every day.

Went on a day long job interview, so that helped take my mind off of things. When I got home, no one else was here so I decided to hop in the shower and wash the day off. Sgt. came home about thirty min. later and when I got out of the shower we said our hello's. I walked over to kiss him on the cheek and when I did there was nothing. Not a "hey baby" not a "thank you." He just starred at the screen. *shrugs* "Ok" I thought to myself, "not like I didn't half expect that."

I called and talked to a couple of friends for a little while. I miss them now more than ever. Maybe it's because Sgt, who I would consider one of my best friends, is so distant right now, I am reaching for the others. That coupled with the fact that I'm here in Tennessee just makes them feel further away despite the fact that they all live at least two hours away back home.

He came and got me for supper when it was ready. The room mate wanted to cook dinner last night so mac n cheese with hot dog pieces and instant mashed potatoes it was. :) We hardly said 10 words to each other. Why? Because I was MAD. I feel like I can love him through pretty much anything, that I can tolerate a lot of behavior and I can even take some of the blame when it comes to our relationship not being at the level we'd like, cause hey, I'm in this too! However, I can only put in so much effort and be turned down so many times before I feel a little like "hey, why don't you give it a try bucko?"

When I went to rinse off my plate and put it in the sink, he followed me into the kitchen. "Wana take a short nap?" (We are avid coffee drinkers and nappers... which I'm not sure makes a lot of sense but we are who we are) - I was not tired, nor was I really in the mood to be nice, but my longing to fix this, to have SOME sort of connection with the man I love ruled supreme and I agreed to the nap.

We went to the room and got into bed, not saying much to each other. Then, as we layed there I hear him sigh and then he says "We're definitely in a funk right now huh?" "yep, we sureeee are" was my reply. Finally, talking, getting SOMEWHERE, or maybe where not but at least we're talking about it, at least we're both acknowledging it. He rolled over to face me and proceeded to tell me how it's all he thinks about, and he has tons of questions but no answers. I tell him he could ask, that wouldn't be a bad start, but he says they're not questions about me, or us, they're about him.

He put his arms around me and asks me to talk, to say something. "What do you want me to talk about?" "How you're feeling." This is normally not a concept I'm comfortable with. Even with the man who I am most comfortable around, and sans my blog and my journal, sharing my feelings openly and eloquently is just not something I'm good at. However, since I've been thinking about it so much and since part of me I suppose was feeling at the end of the rope, I didn't feel like I had much to lose so I told him everything. I told him how I felt extremely unwelcome. How I felt like the breakup speech was around the corner and I'm just waiting for it. How much I love him but miss how we were. I also tell him that it's hard to be mad at him, because part of me feels like "What else can I do? What am I not doing enough of? What could I do more or better?" and I don't see it as a "Sgt. has an issue" problem I see it as a "WE have an issue" problem. There was a break in my long string of confessions and he used it as an opportunity to say some of his as well.

"First, please believe me when I say that I love you, I love you more than I could ever tell you or show you... more than I've ever loved anyone. I love you"

In my head I'm thinking, here it is, the breakup speech, the next thing he's going to say is "It's not you it's me."

"Second... and listen close because this is one of the few times I will ever admit this (we make a joke here about getting a tape recorder) but this is just one of those times where... it's really just my problem."

Yep, there he goes "it's me not you" Just say it and kill me now please.

"Third. I am not going to break up with you. (huh? Gosh, sometimes you're more confusing than a woman!) If at the end of this trip, you decide that we need some time apart or if I think I need time to sort through whatever it is I'm going through then that will be something we deal with but I don't want to walk out on you or us, I don't want to lose you."

So, I guess that leaves the door open for a breakup... *I'm laughing to myself now. My life in it's current state is very much like a crappy soap opera*

He goes on to say how sorry he is for how unwelcome I feel, that it was never his intention. I tell him that I don't deserve the way I'm being treated. That I make mistakes too and that I'm not perfect but what he's doing hurts. He agrees. I can tell he's struggling with something. He says that every time he looks at me he feels a wave of love and warmth and then an immediate wave of guilt. He says that now that he's home, it feels like he has nothing to work towards, that everything was handed to him and he just feels like a bum. He has college and me and isn't going hungry.... but he feels like he's hit a wall or a ceiling. He says that we talked so much before about our future and about the next step and then he got scared. That he, who proclaimed himself a lifetime bachelor (don't they all at one point?) was all of a sudden in love and wanting to get married and could see it all and then all of a sudden it was like "Lifetime commitment, it's all over after that" sort of flashed in front of him and he freaked out.

He complimented me a lot. Told me all of the things any woman would want to hear. How I'm the perfect woman for him and would make an amazing wife, and he is frustrated that he sees that and knows that but is still not ready for it. He said he feels like he is incredibly indebted to me, like he owes me for so much and he doesn't know how to pay up.

I was honest with him. I told him that the whole engagement thing and marriage thing was disappointing, I think it would be hard to find a girl who wouldn't be disappointed by that. To have someone begin to bring up all of those thoughts and conversations and then tell you they sort of changed their mind for now. But that it didn't mean I didn't love him or wasn't willing to take a step back if it's what he needed. I tried to explain to him that he doesn't owe me. Not for waiting, not for making sacrifices, not for hanging in there or for putting up with him, not for the support, not for anything. All of those things were for ME... but he wasn't grasping that.

He said that what he needs right now is someone he can bounce things off of and someone who will put him in his place. While I'm not afraid to tell him "Look, you're acting like a jerk" - I'm not his mother, and it's not my job to "put him in his place" or to make his decisions for him. I would gladly any day of the week sit down and listen to him vent or ask my opinion or advice, and if it's a decision that will effect or involve me, then absolutely I will help make it, but I'm not going to make his decisions for him. We talked about that too and he understood.

I asked a hard question "Do you think it's a bad idea for me to move to Tennessee?" "That's a loaded question because it depends on when and where" "no, it's not, our plans as they are right now, do you think it's a bad idea?" "I think moving in January or December, in the financial situation we're both in, yes, its a bad idea." So we at least got somewhere with that... we'll continue to do the long distance thing for a while longer.

He told me he wanted to push me away so he wouldn't hurt me in all that's going on, but that at the same time he just wants to hold me close. I was honest with him, I told him that pushing me away does hurt, and that holding me close while being cold and distant, hurts too. I told him that should something happen where he tells me he can't be with me right now with everything going on, that it's going to break my heart. That I will cry. That my friends will say things like "well he doesn't deserve you" and "it's better that you found out now before you moved" but that I would want whatever he thought was best for him in the end. He asked if it would help if he cried too, and I told him no.

So that's where we are. After that we napped and cuddled and the rest of the evening wasn't bad. This morning was good. We're not broken up, I believe he loves me, but I also believe that there are things going on that are just out of my control and I hate that. I don't know how to make him know that HE is enough, and HE is all I want. I tried to tell him that I don't have to be the enemy here, that we can work at it together but I think he feels more like he's just dragging me through the muck more than working with me as a team... and that's sad.

Part of me is still skeptical of the end result of this month. On the surface some of this sounds a lot like the whole "it's not you, it's me... I just don't want to hurt you but it's not there anymore" stuff.... however I also can't describe how he looked and the way he said things, and, I believe him. What other choice is there? I know he feels and believes the things he said about me, I just wish he wouldn't push me away feeling like he has to deal on his own.

He's still coming back from Iraq. The more I read and hear about other people's experiences the more I feel like a lot of this has to do with the reintegration process and less with us as a couple. Which I suppose offers a little reprieve. It's been almost three months but I have to remind myself that, that's not that long. Part of our problem is that I strongly feel like he's not just coming back from THIS deployment, he's coming back from his first one as well. He was back in the states a little over three months before PCSing to Germany after his first deployment, and was deployed again 6 months after getting to Germany. In the past three years, he's spent a total of maybe, 5 months at home. He went from combat soldier to college student in the distance of about a week and a half and I'd imagine it's a lot to handle, scratch that, I can SEE it's a lot to handle.

Any suggestions? ANY? I want to be there for him... but the only thing I can think to do right now is pray, let him know I'm there, and love him through the fog.

No matter how wonderful it is to have him home, safe and in tact... some days I think the deployment was easier.

Monday, October 13, 2008


I'm just very confused.

I'm sitting here, still in this house, still in his room. He's at the waffle house with his best friend right now (whom is also who he lives with), which is a tradition of theirs. Which isn't a big deal, I have traditions with my friends too so no big deal, enjoy the waffle house! What I do have a little bit of an issue with, is the way he approached it:

"We're going to the waffle house tonight"
"Ok, sounds good"
"Tanker and I"
"ooohh... haha ok"

Inconsiderate much? But hey, maybe I'm just reading too much into it, I tend to do that. That was around 5pm. Did I mention Tanker has a 6 year old daughter? Apparently she's not going either. I was thinking to myself all afternoon "I wonder who's going to watch the daughter?" Don't get me wrong... I'm an intelligent woman, I KNEW who was going to be watching her, but I didn't say anything. Decided to wait this one out. So, we went to Kroger to get stuff to make peach cobbler (which is another story entirely) and I let the daughter help me make cobbler, which was nice, she's a sweet girl. The boys sat on the couch and watched a movie, we joined in for a little bit. The movie ended and it was time for the daughter to go to bed. Sgt. and Tanker walk outside to visit or smoke or do whatever guys do on the porch and I'm cleaning up dishes. Sgt. walks back inside about 10 min. till their departure time and says

"Hey babe, would you mind doing me a big favor?"
"what's that?"
"Would you mind watching Daughter while we go to the waffle house?"

"ha, no, I don't mind"
"Are you sure?"
"what's wrong"
"nothing honey"

(he's on to me... what a smart guy *rolls eyes*)
"haha, nothing. Thank you for asking"
"Is this something we're going to talk about later?"
"lol no honey. It's fine, she's going to bed anyway."

Now, all this is mostly true. It is fine, and I AM glad he asked. But, the considerate thing to do would have been earlier today, when he walked into the room with his "Uh, I'm GOING to the waffle house and YOU'RE not" comment, to politely ask, "would you mind watching her this evening if you don't have plans?" Waiting till 10 minutes until, even if you KNOW I'm going to say yes, is like I said, inconsiderate. Right?


I'm sorry. I really am, but I have to vent here for a moment. THINGS WERE GREAT TODAY!

Last night, we went to a friend of ours for dinner. A friend who is technically Sgt's friend, but he's mine now too, and I would consider his wife one as well. A friend who is very PRO Sgt. and KJ's relationship. Before this dinner, all day, it sort of felt like I was just... in the way. We haven't fought sense the big fight, and we talked it all out, but something is still missing and it's breaking my heart. I feel like he's TRYING so HARD to love me. Like every kiss on the cheek or hug requires so much thought and effort. Yes, I agree, you make a point to do those things, and relationships take work, I know... but before it seemed so effortless for him, like he ENJOYED doing those things... now it doesn't. I thought about it and brought it up.

"Do I still make you happy?" I asked
"I just feel like I don't make you as happy as I used to... like loving me takes so much work"
"Loving you is incredibly easy honey." And that was sort of that.

We got through dinner and everything and it was fine. But on the ride home is was... GOOD... GREAT even! No joke, I went to bed last night pretty much ecstatic... whatever we've been missing was THERE and I was so happy! This morning, all morning, it was there. Things were good. No, things were GREAT.... and then I went on a job interview, and came home, and things were GREAT. And then he bursts into the room an hour later about the waffle house and I want to punch him in the damn face!

I got less than 24 hours with the former "us" that I have missed so much and it hurts.

I don't know what else to try.... "Don't try so hard" he says... ok... so.... don't try? I'm confused. I am seriously, RIGHT NOW, considering getting a hotel for a couple nights.... I feel so unwanted here. I feel like I get an hour of the man I am so in love with and the rest of the time I get this guy who is trying like hell to be distant and arrogant. Until I came here to TN I never once questioned if Sgt. would fight for me, if he would take care of me, if he wanted me.. and now I'm not so sure.


What is happening to us? I don't understand... I don't get what all this is. Why can't I hold your hand when we're around the other house mates? Because it confuses the daughter since Daddy isn't married and doesn't have a girlfriend around? Uh well, then explain to me how she knows that "Husbands and wives kiss, so we should too" As we're playing gender specific barbies the other night. She's a child, she's not an idiot. And I'm not trying to seduce you, I'm giving you a warm touch of endearment. Because it makes Tanker uncomfortable? Again, not trying to tongue wrestle you in the kitchen, I just wanted to rub your back for two seconds. No, I don't care if you're going to the waffle house with your bff, but you walk out the door and don't even tell me goodbye? You don't even come over to me and give me a kiss and say "be back soon." Nothing? Who are you? You can feed me this whole "Well this is me, I told you from the beginning I was hard to deal with" line all day honey.... Not biting. You ARE hard to deal with... that is something I've known and been aware of and DEALT with for our entire relationship... THIS is just.... heartbreaking.

I need something. I need.... time or space but I don't want that. I need him to tell me whats wrong. I need him to hold me and love me, but I don't want that either, not from Mr. crappy attitude I could take it or leave it if you're here. I'm not PMSing. I'm..... lost. I'm so lost, I feel the breakup speech lurking around the corner, and I feel almost like I'm hiding from it! I'm so lost, I don't even know if we'll make it to our anniversary and it's a week and a half away.

How did we go from this to this?

How do I make it stop?

Honey, I love you, but you're HURTING ME.... STOP!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

One more day

We made it through one more! :) Progress is progress right? Yesterday we didn't even growl at each other so I think that's a sign of moving things in the right direction.

Maybe I'm thinking about things too much... but I'm trying to remember every little thing (the good) so I can appreciate the effort we're both making at the healing process.

Yesterday during the day the text message issue was about the same. When we're apart he will give me a call or two throughout the day, and he'll respond to my "I love you's" via text... and now it's not happening right now. Maybe it's because he's not noticing it, and because he just saw me this morning... maybe he isn't in the mood but whatever the reason, I'm trying to not put too much stock into it.

When Sgt. came home yesterday we took a nap together and after our nap and subsequent slapping of the snooze button until 20 min. after our original wake up time, we got up. It was almost five and he said he was hungry so I offered to go ahead and start dinner, he was very appreciative and complimentary which made me happy. We ended up eating around 5:30/5:45 and after that we vegged on the couch together and watched some TV. We cuddled and goofed off and laughed together and it was great! He went to the store and brought me home chocolate, even though I said I didn't need anything when he asked. He made me coffee after dinner (we're big coffee drinkers) and even offered to make more when the last cup I had was only half full. More cuddling on the couch and watching TV, then we both took a shower and talked about a tattoo he wants, and looked up some stuff online together. I folded all our laundry and we talked about renting a movie this weekend. Simple things, nothing too exciting. Then we went to bed.

Not that you're interested in the small every little detail happening of our day, but it's important for me to remember them. To know and to see my own thoughts, that we're both making an effort at finding a balance together. That we're both being affectionate and considerate. Not just HIM but me too... I want to make sure that I'm not closing him off or being unloving because I'm feeling a little "wounded" (I guess is the right word).

This morning he woke up at 4:00 to start getting ready for PT, and for his long day. (He won't be home till about 7:00 and I'm sure will be exhausted) I get up with him.... but usually in the last 15 min. or so... which works for us because we get to say goodbye but I'm not standing around in his way while he's getting all his stuff ready. I did notice though that while I was sleeping (ok, half asleep), he came into the room and he walked over to the bed and kissed me on the forehead, then pulled the covers up to my shoulders (I'm often cold). I don't know if he noticed I was slightly awake, or if he just thought I was cold, but it was a very sweet gesture and is one of the many many reasons I love him so much.

So, a good day all around yesterday. Today I'll be alone much of the day. Still no call backs for jobs, even though the interviews went so well! Grrrr.... I'll keep at it though. Thinking of going around and just applying anywhere with a now hiring sign today. Have to keep myself occupied until 7 at least! Have a great day everyone :).

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

baby steps

After I posted yesterday (and if you haven't read that one, you might want to do that first, just so you can catch up) I took a long nap. I woke up to a text message from Sgt.

"Hey, I think you're asleep right now but I'm still at school, should be heading home in the next 30 min or so!"

I wrote back: "ok! Want anything in particular for supper tonight? Drive safe, love you."

I'm trying....

Sgt: "Hi! No no special requests"

I notice that he doesn't respond to my "I love you" - ouch.

KJ: "Ok, well I think I'm going to head to Kroger in a few so if you think of anything you want/need, just holler!"
Sgt: "Why are you going to the store? I went grocery shopping Sunday"
KJ: "I don't know, haven't looked to see what we have yet and don't know what I want to make"
Sgt: "lol ok! your show!"
KJ: "lol not really babe, just thought I'd cook for us but it's whatever, no big deal!"
Sgt: "Grrrr"
KJ: "WHAT?! Stop trying to fight with me when I'm trying to be nice to you, please! Jeeze"

Now, it would appear that tone of voice and lightheartedness got lost in translation via texting... but it was just another piece of salt in the wound.

I left the house with the full intention of going to Starbucks for a few hours and just sitting. He still wasn't home and the selfish side of me thought something along the lines of "Ha, we'll see how he likes it when I'm gone and he doesn't know where I am." - I know, I'm a jerk, but I was also hurt. It doesn't make up for that thought process but I can see how I would come to that conclusion. As I'm driving though, it's raining and I start to think about him being worried.... and about how maybe I could just go home and be happy and the whole text message debacle could be forgotten. So, I went to Kroger and got Acorn Squash for supper, then stopped at Starbucks and got us each a coffee and headed home. Less than 30 min trip. When I pulled into the driveway his car was there, right about then he sends me another text message

"And here my cocky butt thought you wouldn't miss me coming in in uniform, haha! Still at the store?"

He's trying.

"I DO miss seeing you come in in uniform! I'm in the driveway :) see ya in a sec."

When I walk inside he is still in uniform. He waited to change just so I could see him, because he knows it makes me happy. In this whole coming out of the muck thing, I'm trying to see every little detail. I put the squash down in the kitchen and then go hug him, and we ask how our days were. He then says "Ok, now that you're here, I'm gana go change."

I followed him into the bedroom and layed on the bed, and we talked about the day as he changed out of uniform. Then he asked if he could come and lay beside me and if we could take a short nap together. "Of course" is my reply." "Let me go start supper first" as he's setting the alarm clock he stops and turns to me and says "How about, you not worry about dinner for right now and just lay here with me" - he didn't say it in a mean or snarky way.... just matter of factly, he wanted me to stay.

And as we're laying there he says "We still need to keep talking about all this" "I agree" so we start to talk. And talk. And talk. And we talked for the next two hours, in the bedroom, laying in bed. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying (well, I cried), he's trying to keep it light as to not hurt my feelings anymore, I know it hurts him too when he sees me sad. We wrestle and cuddle and growl at each other. "Grrrr" is a common comment today. Slowly, painstakingly repetitive at times, we talk.

A lot of it makes me sad and is stuff I don't want to hear. He says "we just need to be honest about where we are in our relationship, we've been together for so long but really..... we haven't been able to 'be together' except for the last three weeks" - this hurts... and yet, I agree with him for the most part. Although a deployment and the short time we had together before that still constitutes as a part of our journey... it is almost like trying to learn about each other all over again. I think the Army calls it reintegration :). It still sucks though. What I keep hearing him say is "we need to take a step back" - not in a breakup sort of way, but we were talking about getting married. He was shopping for a ring, had already spoken with his family, and was going to ask my dad over thanksgiving.... (he told me all of this while we were talking) and now as all this is happening around us, he thinks we're not ready, that we still have issues to work on, and while neither of us wants out, or wants to take a step back, it may very well be necessary. This hurts a LOT. I start to cry and he takes my face in his hands "Baby, I love you, and I love you enough to believe you deserve to have no doubts, and right now you do, so we just have to work on it. Our faith and our trust in each other... before we continue with any of those plans... please don't cry" "this is just hard... sorry, I'm trying not to. It's just, two weeks ago you wanted to marry me and now you don't so I'm just trying to take it all in"

The minutes drag on and I am unsure of how to feel. I know he's right... and I know it's OK to take a step back, to just be in love, to work on us, and to not feel pressured to jump to the next step if we're not ready. And maybe we're not ready, but we did everything we could... I feel a little bit like a failure. It's not like we haven't known each other for a few years, we've seen each other at our best, and at our worst. We've talked about what we want in our lives and what we don't want. We've done all the questions and we've done the devotional together and I am ill prepared to believe that none of that counts. Not that that's all that matters, but just because we're at a point in our relationship where we're trying to sort through something doesn't mean that everything we believed about ourselves and about where we're going, is wrong.

I kept asking him "so what now?" and he didn't ever have an answer other than "I don't know" but we agreed to just work on us as a couple, and not talk about or put pressure on ourselves to be the "almost engaged" couple or the "moving in together" couple and even though I'm a little heartbroken about the loss of those goals for the moment... I am trusting that this is going to be better for us in the long run. God, I hope it is.

When it was all over with he hugged me for a long time and said "I'm not going anywhere, I don't want to go anywhere, this does not mean I love you less, it just means we get to take time - you just have to get to a place babe where you believe that." How do you convince someone that you know they love you and you know that they want to be with you, when they are stubborn and only think that deep down, I doubt it?

We both have work to do, I will agree to that. And I'm very thankful that he's patient enough with me and that I love him enough to be patient. Every day it gets a little better... and we still have 3 weeks.

After our long long talk I made the squash and we cuddled on the couch and watched the presidential debate (cause that's the kind of nerdy thing we like to do together). We went to bed and this morning I woke up and made us breakfast and it was wonderful. We had a really good morning, so here's to hoping for a good day and a good evening when he gets home. One day at a time, right?

All prayers, as always, are very much appreciated and welcomed.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The first 48 hours

Well, arrived here in Tennessee just fine!

I left at 4:00am on Sunday, I stopped in Austin to get water, in Waco to get gas (and pee), in Texarkana to get out of the FREAKING CAR (and to get gas), stopped just outside of Memphis for... more gas, and arrived in Nashville just after dark, around 7:00. About 15 hours and it was alll worth it!

Sgt was getting so excited for me to arrive, he kept calling me and asking for an update as I got closer (especially when I crossed over the border into Tennessee). The last 15 min. he just stood outside on his porch waiting for me... the man was ready to just drive to wherever I was and meet me somewhere he was so excited! It was a wonderful feeling :). I was excited too, the closer I got to the house the faster my heart raced, when I pulled into the driveway it was all I could do to not jump out of the car while it was still in drive. As soon as the car was safely put in park he opened my door and pulled me out of the seat straight into his arms. It was wonderful. It makes me smile just thinking about it. After the initial hugs and kisses he lead me into the house where he was starting dinner (so that I would have time to shower the road off me and relax before supper) and the entire house was cleaned and prepped for my arrival. Yes, there were even candles. He made me dinner and after that I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep so he came to bed with me around 9 and I had the first complete nights sleep since the last time we were together... it was wonderful.

The next morning we both woke up early so we would have some time together before he headed off to school. We joked around and took our time, he made us coffee and we talked about what the day had in store for each of us. There were random hugs and lots of smiles. It felt so wonderful to be here. We talked about us moving in together, going to look at apartments, and what kind of furnishings we each had. He wants a contemporary coffee table, so we talk about that. He left for school and I started my day.

And then it happened. Our biggest fight to date. Over nothing really, well no, not nothing, A BIG something... but mostly a BIG miscommunication. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it all. At the time, I felt numb and sick. I reconsidered even unpacking, not knowing if I would be staying here at all. Yes, that serious. It was probably a blessing in disguise that Sgt's battery died that morning and he had to take my car to school... because in the heat of the moment, and in my reactive state, I may have just driven away. We agreed to talk about it when he got home from school... this was around 9:30 that morning. Sgt. didn't get home until 3.

The entire morning I felt horrible, how was this happening to me? This had to be a mistake, he will have a good reason for his reaction, and I will have a good one for mine. No, I am not overreacting... overreaction would be murder, THIS feeling is completely normal. No, KJ, don't call friends.... it's embarrassing enough already, and you know what they will say, they will protect you. Ok... just call THAT friend. Sgt. calls... he gives me an update on when he'll be home, "feeling any better yet?" he asks. "Not sure how I feel" is my response. We didn't say I love you when we hang up and I notice. Again... numb. There's got to be a good reason for all of this. His things arrive from Germany and I wipe my tears as I let the moving man inside. I told Sgt. I would do his laundry.... screw him and his laundry. No, I love him, and there's a reason for all this, I'll do the laundry. And I'll clean the kitchen, and I'll sweep and wipe around the back of the coffee maker.... anything to not think about this. I'm trying to listen to the radio as I feverishly clean.... anything really. Stupid Carrie Underwood and her "Just a dream" song... I had stopped crying until you started singing again! Damn it. Laundry is all folded... what now? My friend calls back, "what are you going to do?" "I'm going to unpack" - I didn't even know that's what I was going to do until she asked the question. "Why?" she asks. I love her, and she's just being protective, she means well and I get that. "Because," I said with a pause... "because, I love him, and we deserve a chance to figure this out."

I fall asleep on the couch after all my unpacking is done, it's 1:30. I wake up and it's 2:00. He will be getting out of his class soon. He'll call. I wait... stupid TV shows are not helping. They all seem to be about my reality at the moment and I'm trying very hard to NOT think about that. He calls and is stopping for a battery charger if that's ok with me. It's fine... more time to sleep. I feel drained and exhausted from the day already. I go outside and lay on the porch swing and take a short nap, but it's hot so I go back inside 15 min. later. Finally, something good is on TV. I'm halfway through an episode of friends when he walks through the door.

I look up at him and he doesn't say much. He walks past me angry and I understand that. But I'm angry too so he can eat it. Then he walks over and hands me my keys and says with a pointed quick tone "thankyouforlettingmeuseyourcarhereareyourkeys" "Yep" He walks to the bedroom and then comes out again, he's walking with swift bold strides but not saying anything and then finally as he sets everything down in the kitchen he turns and says, "I'd like to propose 3 ground rules" (he's obviously had some time to think about this) "Number 1. Neither of us leaves and trys to get in the car and drive off because we're mad. We'll end up getting ourselves hurt or someone else." "deal" I replied. "Number 2, you know how I feel about ultimatums, so I'm not going to make any and I would appreciate the same" I thought about this one for a second and then said "ok, and?" "Three, I have no tolerance for the break up game, I think we're at a point in our relationship where that shouldn't even be an issue" For someone not too keen on ultimatums I've already found a pretty black and white statement but I decide not to mention that too him and instead say "fine with me"

See the difference here is that he is angry. No, he's furious... and I get that. But I am hurt. I am wounded. He's responding in the way I'd assume he would, but I am not responding in the way I am. I'm angry too but not as much as hurt. And I don't even know what to say to him. He talks, and he said something that made me mad, so I finally blurt out a raised voice. We're both sitting on the couch, I am facing him, leaning up against the arm of the couch but my arms are sternly crossed and it's quite clear I'm defensive. He is sitting at the other end sitting and facing forward... closed off as well. We address my problem first, which is the misunderstanding. And however misunderstood it was, it was still disrespectful and inconsiderate. Had he thought about that at the time he would've realized it but he didn't. He admitted that. However, the way I handled it was wrong also. Neither of us will apologize for our reaction or the misunderstanding so we're at a wall. He takes the wall as an opportunity to dispel my concerns. And he does.... like I said, I knew there was a better explanation, and although I'm blogging about much of the situation, the root issue and the inevitable make up, I believe, are for us alone. After my issue is addressed we take a break. Away from one another. I stay in the bedroom (which is where we moved to mid argument) sitting on the bed, trying to process and he goes outside for a moment. When he comes back in, I apologize for the way I handled it. I agreed there was a better way to deal, and although I am very hurt by the lack of consideration for my feelings in this particular situation (seeing as it has NEVER been a problem before), I can respect the fact that it was handled poorly, so I apologized. He thanked me and agreed to his part in the wrong-doing.... but there was still a barrier between us. We had argued, and we had "made up" but we were still both very wounded. He told me that all of it didn't change the fact that he loves me, and he said he wanted me to stay but knew that it was my decision. He asked that I take 24 hours to decide but I had already decided. The rest of the evening we didn't say much to each other, and we didn't touch each other at all. He talked and joked around with his friend, and I played with his friends daughter... and we both had a pleasant demeanor, but there was still tension in the air.

After supper we sort of moved about the house almost avoiding each other. He would walk into the living room and sit down in the spot I had just gotten up from. When I walk back in he asks if I'd like it back in a nice way, but I decline and go to the bedroom to pick out an outfit for my interview the next day. He walks outside, and after a while I walk out and ask his opinion about my choice of dress. He smiles and nods and gives me a thumbs up. We're trying I guess but we're still both off. When that's all done, and they're back inside, I go outside... and I pray. I pray for about 15 min. I hear him open the door to come outside and he stood there for a moment and then it shut. He didn't interrupt me.

Finally, night rolls around... actually 7:30 rolls around and we're finally talking a bit more. He was at his desk and when I came up behind him to ask him a question, I rubbed his back briefly. I'm trying... I want that connection back. Then he comes into the room where I'm watching TV and sits next to me. He puts his hand on my knee and tells me he's going to go to bed soon and asks if I am too or if I'd like to stay up. I tell him I'll go to bed with him... even though it's early, I'm tired. I got into bed first and then he asks if he can turn off the light. He does and then he climbs in. I'm wondering if he's going to even lay close to me like usual. However, I'm further towards the other side of the bed also.

But then, I feel him get under the covers and drape his arm across me. I reach for his hand and finally, we get some of that connection back. As he's laying close next to me and we're cuddling, he can feel me twitching. Not like crazy but it's noticeable. He points it out and then asks whats wrong. I tell him I just hate fighting with him and I guess I'm just tense. He then says "I thought we were done fighting?" Men. or Women. Maybe it's me. I say "we are, but... I don't know, it's still in the air, ya know?" he's quiet and he says "I'm not even tired, I just wanted this day to end, and tomorrow to begin." I know exactly what he means.

As we layed there in bed I could feel him cuddle closer and he could feel me relax. We talked some more, and there were brief kisses on the hand, or the shoulder... until he finally kissed me goodnight and told me he loved me.

This morning was good. He kept slapping the snooze button even though he insisted on getting up early, he stayed in bed with me. Before he left he wished me luck on my interview and brought me a cup of coffee. He's trying too. There hasn't been many texts or phone calls today, so I'm hoping that this evening will go better than last night.

The past 48 hours have been the best, and the worst of times. But we're still here... still in love... still working on our relationship and hoping that each challenge will bring us to another level and another step.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Anxious excited, definitely!

Well... by this time tomorrow I will be well on my way to Tennessee!

I have to work all day, so I didn't figure I would have time to post... and I couldn't leave my blog just hanging! :) So you're all getting an early post about the trip!

As my title suggests, I'm a little bit anxious. I just want to make sure I get there safely... but also, that once I get there, things between Sgt. and I will go smoothly. I don't expect everything to be candlelight and roses; the whole point of this vacation is to get to spend some time together in a NORMAL setting. With everyday life stresses and all the little things you miss when someone isn't there. Without rushing to visit people during R&R and without the hurry and newness of redeployment... just school, and work, and Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays, and taco's for dinner... normal things. I was beginning to get a little worried that he wasn't exactly looking forward to the trip. Call it over analyzing... I know he's been stressed but it wasn't doing much for my ego not hearing an "I can't wait till you get here." - However, I know he loves me, and I know he's excited to have me there (and yesterday a few of those "I miss you's" did peek out ;) ) and it's proved by the enormous help he's been trying to get me to not stress about things in order to get there. Anyway, just hoping it goes well :) Wish us luck!

Now on to the excited... any other explanation necessary?? I CAN. NOT. WAIT. It might all be the unknown and it might all be fairly new to us... but that is part of the reason I'm so looking forward to the next four weeks! Hopefully, I will be able to get a good nights sleep tonight for the long drive tomorrow. Have a feeling though that it will be tough to fall asleep :) (I promised the man I would at LEAST get in 4 - 5 hours... I think he may give himself an ulcer by the time this trip is over, worrying so much).

So... finally got packed last night. Have a lot of last minute things to do this morning before work. Will work all day... until late tonight and then sleep and hit the road! Here's to hoping I remember to shave my legs... I'm running around so much I actually put it on my to-do list.

Hope you all have an amazing weekend! "See" ya from the Volunteer State!

** Can anyone tell me what movie my post title is from??

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


handbag planet is launching on October 15th and they're giving away 24 handbags in 24 hours!! Go to their website at to enter and win a free handbag!

New month, new day, new post!

After lots of deep breaths and considering all the options we decided to go ahead and get the car fixed. Take the financial hit, but still make the trip up to the Volunteer State. I'm trying my best to be positive, to look on the bright side, to feel encouraged and uplifted... things happen in life and we couldn't really have anticipated this, just do what you gata do and move on, right?

Sgt. called them and paid half of the repair costs, along with getting all the logistics figured out. Although that might not be a long string of sweet nothings or a romantic night out, it is an incredible and amazing act of love. He's doing what he can to get me there, and to take stress off of me, and I don't think he realizes how much I appreciate him for it. He does an amazing job at just caring for me, whether it be in a frustrating situation, an encouraging word, or putting my wants and needs above his own. I am incredibly blessed.

As long as I can find a temporary job while I'm up there, and make a decent amount of money (or get lots of hours, one or the other) then we should be ok. Like I've said before, if you're the praying type... a decent job would be a God send right now. I trust that he will take care of us and open something up that is best for me, and for us, and for the situation we're in right now.

So, we're back to the countdown! Four days till I get to see my guy! The to-do list is long, and the stress level high, but there is nothing else I would rather work towards at this very moment!