Sunday, February 10, 2008

And there you are.

I think we dream about each other so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams... we can play together all night." - Calvin and Hobbes.

I have been having the strangest, "normal" dreams lately. Usually it comes about because as I'm falling asleep, I'm searching for Sgt. in my mind. Searching for a specific memory of the two of us, searching for his face, an image of his smile or the like. It's almost like, as I'm drifting off to sleep, I say "where are you?" and then..... there he is. He just shows up. What's strange about these dreams is... we're not together. It's like I'm watching a movie and there is a split screen. On the one side there is him, in his world right now and on the other side, there is me, in mine. But we can see each other, we are talking to each other... we can feel each other, but we're just in different worlds. I suppose that's not so different from our current situation (sans the split screen I get to watch). Anyway... in my dreams I'm thinking "Sgt... hello? Are you there?" and then split screen forms and he shows up... he's just like "Hey beautiful.... there you was your day?" It's so normal. Our conversations that is... (I don't know how normal these dreams are but I don't really care.)

Usually he's either A. in his bed and just laying there facing me, and I'm laying in my bed facing him but the rooms are different (obviously) or B. sitting on the ground, leaning up against a crumbled building in full gear... like maybe he is tired or just got off guard or something and I can definitely see the room around him and I'm laying in my bed facing him (I'm always in my bed) or C. Sitting in the front seat of his truck, again in full gear... working. So there we are... and we just talk. Except we talk about the things that we don't normally talk about when he calls or when we're e-mailing. In my dreams we start off with pleasantries, "how was your day?" stuff and then the conversation turns to me telling him that I'm scared that he's going to come back and say something to the effect of "Thanks for all the support, really, mail call was great, but I mean... now I'm home... and not lonely so.... I'll see ya around alright?" or I tell him that I miss him and it's hard, or I tell him about the stuff I really wish he was here for. And in my dreams (like I assume he would be in real life if I mentioned these things) he just listens with a smile and then is quiet for a second and touches my face and says something reassuring like "it's ok hon. I know, but I'll be home soon and then it'll be ok. Don't worry so much ok... for me? I miss you so much, you have no idea. It's gana be ok. You're doing so good, just hang in there alright, please." and then we just kind of sit there with each other.

Now I am no dream interpreter... but it's possible that these conversations are my subconscious worries (blah blah psycho babble) and since I'm too "proud" (only word I could think of at the moment) to bring them up, I bring them up in my dreams. Which is true, I'll admit from time to time those thoughts do cross my mind. But overall I'd say I'm doing pretty good! I'm not miserable. I don't have to drag myself out of bed every morning. I'm doing fine. Of course I miss him and wish he was here... but you just play the hand you're dealt. Anyway... on top of these odd, so natural conversation, dreams.... I can feel him there.

I hate admitting it... but I am starting to forget. (and hey, for almost a year I guess that's not so bad) I'm forgetting the way his hands feel and just the general feeling of someone being close to you. Cuddling with you, interlacing your fingers... that sort of thing. However, in these dreams... I can feel him there. I remember one really vividly where we were in our respective beds but we were holding hands (ok so in real life, reality, I had my own hands together while I was asleep) and I was slowly waking up... and so in this half awake, half asleep stage... I could feel his hand there. Weird, I know... but I like them, these dreams.... I haven't told him about them (probably because I don't want him thinking I'm all frazzled and worried back at home... that's really not the case and besides, these dreams offer reassurance from "him" so it actually works out pretty well) but it would be interesting to see if the places I see him at in my dreams look anything like the places he's actually at. Who knows. Does anyone else ever have these dreams?

This weekend was really good! Again, didn't do a whole lot, got the car washed, did laundry and hardcore cleaned the apartment, bought a new dress (which I love and already wore...), watched some cheesy chick flicks and laid out in this amazing weather we're having.

Sgt. called on Thursday. It was a really good talk :). Nothing over the top... just normal conversation, like we would've had anyway if he was back in the states. These are probably my favorites because I like when we feel normal... in such an abnormal circumstance, it's nice to have some consistency. He's doing good. Went to the zoo! If you can imagine that... he said they have lots of birds and a few lions. Apparently they don't have the same "keep 200 feet back" rules that we have back here. I imagine it's more like a "high adventure" zoo of sorts :). He said he got lots of pictures, but I know that doesn't mean I'll see them anytime soon. hahaha. He enrolled in a college class which is awesome! I'm really proud of him. We also talked about my looming dentist appointment to discuss the possible extraction of my wisdom teeth. I hate the dentist... and I thought I had been blessed with not having wisdom teeth but a week and half's worth of headaches plus a few hard white things poking out of my gums back there have proven that theory wrong. So yeah... like I said, we just talked about life stuff. Loved it :). He ended the conversation like this -

Sgt.: "Well darlin', I'm glad I got to talk to you, it'll probably be about a week before you hear from me again. There's a lot going on with our schedule and so I'll be in and out a lot... I'll be able to get online and check stuff but just don't be surprised if you don't hear much from me for about the next week... I just don't want you worrying yourself to death." Me: "it's ok hon. I know, no news is good news." Sgt.: "uh huh... I know how you are. I could probably take off all my gear and walk around in my sector without a dang thing happening.... I WISH it was more dangerous. I'm probably in the safest place I could possibly be." Me: "uh huh... I know you do. Ok fine, I believe you... so you don't have to prove anything, keep your gear on goober." - Men. Sheesh. :)

Since then I've gotten a couple e-mails. He already got the packages I sent Monday. (quicker than usual! yay USPS) but said he didn't open the Valentines day one all the way... he is going to wait till Thursday. I'm glad. I totally forgot to tell him which package was which but he held off himself so that's good :) haha. We'll see what he says about it all. I'm actually not expecting anything from him on Valentines day. I really don't mean that in a bad way because he's really good at the romantic stuff. Last year was the best Valentines day I've ever had (and it was with him of course) so it's not that he's oblivious to the day or anything. I don't make a huge deal out of Valentines day.... that is to say I don't expect a huge deal made over it, I don't feel unloved or uncared for if I don't get a big show.... it's a sweet day I think, but in the grand scheme of things, it's just another day. More of a reason for me just to be cheesy and crafty than anything else. Anyway, got off track... I'm not expecting anything because 1. he's in Iraq. 2. I just don't think it's crossed his mind a lot. He'd probably be all butt hurt if I told him that, (same way he was when I told him I wasn't expecting a Christmas present "that's mean, you should totally expect a Christmas present, why wouldn't you") but it's true. I just don't think Valentines day is at the top of his list of priorities (and I don't think it should be). Now... if I see that he got online and then didn't send me a "happy Valentines day babe!" message... yeah I'd probably be a little miffed... but I actually will be really surprised if anything arrives, if it does, great(!) but if it doesn't it'll be exactly how I expected it to be. And I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

Stupid dentist is tomorrow.... ugh. I wish this could be one of those times where Sgt. could LITERALLY just show up :).