Monday, February 25, 2008

Sunshine and Starlight

I still really miss him. (like that ever changes huh?) I don't know what it is about this funk I'm in. It's irritating me to no end though. I'm so cranky, now every morning when my boss walks in he greets me with "hey grouch bucket." - it's all in good fun of course, but still. Even just this morning he walked in and said "uh oh... you're grouchy again, I can already tell." I laugh it off and say something to the effect of "ugh, I AM grouchy, this stinks! I'll be fine though." I hate feeling like the Debbie Downer. I'm fine at work, we joke around and goof off all day, all the while getting work done of course, but in my personal life I am just.... grouchy!!

The hormone thing should be dwindling at this point... although I know it's still there, I can't blame it ALL on that anymore. It's not Sgt.'s fault... just two days ago he wrote me a two word e-mail that said "P.S. You're beautiful." ......I think it's just the lack of contact. I'm not frustrated at HIM really, I'm just frustrated. I want to hear that he misses me also, that he's thinking of me also. Deep down I know he is, but I devote a lot of time to making sure he feels adored and missed and cared for and I feel like sometimes I don't get the same thing. Yes, he is deployed and yes, he's got a lot of other things going on over there, and no, I would never want me to distract him or make him unfocused but... just.... GAH is it too much to ask for a "I can't wait to see you, the next 6 months can't go by fast enough."

*sigh* I could just REALLY use like 30 minutes of his undivided attention. 30 min where he's focused on me, on us, possibly doting upon me if he can muster it. Phone call, IM, I don't care.... it's not that I'm not strong enough or can't handle this... I am, I can... I just don't want to feel like I'm having to do it alone.

Anyway, in an attempt to cheer myself up this weekend, I laid out and got a healthy dose of some vitamin D. Weather in Texas was in the 80's and I happen to be so blessed as to live right on a river, it was perfect. After the sunshine had thoroughly washed over me and I was able to catch a short nap under the Texas heat, I took a shower and got dressed. I decided the day was gorgeous and I was going to go take some pictures. I love taking pictures, and admittedly, I love taking pictures of myself... I hadn't sent any to Sgt. in a while because I hadn't taken any since about new years, so I figured it was about time and I knew he would like them. He always loves pictures. The pictures turned out great and I had fun, went into town and got supper and then relaxed the rest of the evening. As night approached the temperature dropped to a warm/cool consistency. I climbed up onto the roof of my apartment with a blanket and stargazed. It's one of my favorite things to do out here because the sky is wide open. The first time I ever saw a shooting star was out here. It's a good way to just reflect and calm your soul.

As I was laying up there I thought about Sgt. About how he would laugh at how I tried to climb up the side of that pillar and how I would've been able to hear that worried sound in his voice when I lost my balance the first time. :). I thought about how climbing up on top of the roof to star gaze probably wouldn't have been his first choice in how to spend our evening :) but he would've done it because it makes me happy. I thought about how he was probably just waking up on the other side of the world and I wondered if at any point he might pause and look at a picture of me or hear one of the songs on his Ipod I sent to him and smile. I thought about how the first thing he would've wanted this morning was a cup of coffee and how I really hope he got it. I wondered what he might do that day; go on patrol, set up at an OP, talk to Iraqi residents and maybe practice his Arabic on some of the IA or an interpreter. I smiled at the thought of hearing his southern accent spit out words like "Salam aleikum" "Shookran" "Enshalla."

I pray for Sgt. all the time, I pray for him more than I pray for myself, but that night up on my roof... I decided that instead of talking to God, I just wanted to talk to him. So I sent him a verbal letter, reciting things I might have written down at that very moment but instead enjoyed the thought of the words just floating up into the endless hill country sky. This is what I told him, (as best as I remember it anyway) -

"Hey goober. So I'm sitting up here and I almost didn't bring a blanket but figured I should just in case... it was a good idea. I think the thought of you not being here to cuddle with me or keep me warm makes me cold anyway, no matter what the weather is like. Ok... yeah I know that was cheesy but it's true. I wish you were here. I hate this deployment today. I don't hate it every day, I know that you love what you do, and I love what you do... I'm so proud of you darlin', did you know that?.... it's just that sometimes I wish I didn't have to expect things like little contact or disappointing phone connections. I will say this though, if it was the choice between this and having you or a "normal" relationship and not having you? I choose this. I'd choose you every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Yeah, I did just quote A Few Good Men, yes, I do know that movie involves the Marines and not the Army... sue me. I hope you're doing good and taking care of yourself. I'm doing fine, everything here is good, don't worry. Well babe, not much else to say, have a great day over there, I know I'll talk to you soon. I miss you so much, be safe please. Yeah yeah... I know, you're safe, it's worth repeating though. What'll we do tomorrow brain? Love, me.

Thank goodness the end of this month is almost here. I'm definitely ready to chalk another month up to "behind us."

2 comments:

Jrzy Army Wife

I know the feeling of not get enough attention back especially when you put in all the work so they know you still care. When hubby cals it always like 2 seconds. Today he called and he goes "look honey I've been on the phone with you for 35 minutes" and made me laugh. As for your verbal letter...hey it's out there floating around.. I'm sure it'll get to Iraq

trying

I always tell flyboy that at least I know the other person in our relationship is the marine corps and not some other woman! I think maybe if I had wings and a motor he'd pay more attention, but I chalk it up to just the odd nature of their jobs. Its not easy and its not for some but you seem to be one of the tough cookies. : )