Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Kicking myself.

ugh....

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I miss him a lot a lot. If you were Travis, one of the kids in my class last year... a lot a lot to you would mean "to the mooooonnnn and back". If you were KJ... a lot a lot would mean you would do anything to be able to hear his voice again, feel his hands, look at him physically standing there in front of you. If you were KJ.. a lot a lot would mean giving up, well, your self. Your sanity. I mean this is a little bit insane right? Almost our entire relationship has been built and cherished through a deployment, at a distance, away from each other.

We are coming up on another mile marker. Pretty soon, the mile marker will be one year. One year since I tearfully said goodbye to him standing in front of a line of cabs at an airport. One year since I saw the way he looks at me right before he kisses me. One year since he brushed the hair out of my eyes and said "remember how beautiful you are." One year. I've spent nearly 365 days without him. One year since we repeated Dane Cook jokes to each other and simultaneously turned to one another at the acknowledgement of a car alarm and said "helllooooooo I'm a caaaarrrrrrr." One year since he laughed at me and called me "goober" as I'm handing him an overpacked assortment of bags for a short weekend trip. I miss everything about him. I miss HIM.

It is as much a measure of heartache as it is of triumph. I've survived a whole year. A whole year where I still adore him as much (more even) as the first time he captured my heart. A whole year and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, miss him, smile at the thought of him. A year! A lot of people might agree... if you can do a year of this... you can do almost anything together. It's a mark of how far we've come and I'm proud of it.

The thing about it all is that I ask my self the question "this is a little bit insane right?" and then my heart answers "no, not even a little bit" - THATS the insane part. It's like it's the most natural thing in the world. That being with him, no matter what that means I have to endure, is completely and utterly perfect. Like the world fell into place. I can honestly say I have never been happier and just CONTENT with my life and who I am since I have been with him.

I'm sorry I feel like I'm bouncing all over the place right now with stuff I want to say.... am trying to say...

Earlier today Sgt. e-mailed and said he was back in. He said he really wanted to call me later if I'd be around. (uhhh YEAH I'll be around for a phone call from you, are you kidding?) I told him the best time would probably be between 12-2 since thats like lunch break time *insert note for new readers, he can only call me at work cause where I live has no cell phone signal* but that anytime would do. Well noon rolled around.... two o'clock came and went... no phone call. I was so dissapointed.

Not at him, at myself for getting my hopes up. Everyone who's been through a deployment for even a month knows that expectations are not your friend, especially when it comes to a phone call or plain 'ole hearing from your soldier (marine, airman, guardsman, sailor). However, I did, I got my hopes up and when he didn't call I was like "dang it... I knew you shouldn't have done that." I figured he'd probably fallen asleep since he had just gotten back in. Well, a couple hours later, he called!!

Yay me :). Apparently he got sidetracked doing other things, cleaning his weapon, paperwork, down time... whatever, and realized how late it was. (side note: my hormones and emotions are all over the friggin place right now which doesn't help things) He apologized though and so I left it at that. He called, thats all that mattered right now. We started to talk but he was so out of it. Just "uh huh" answering my questions and just giving the impression that he really didn't want to be on the phone right then. So of course I ask:

"whats wrong with you? Just tired or what?"
"it's 2am and I'm tired"

So what is the first thing that comes out of my mouth?

"Well go to bed then hon."

UGGGHHH why did I say that. I don't WANT him to go to bed, I want to talk to him. And so of course his response was

"ok"

He sounded a little irritated when he said it too. He said he would talk to me soon and we said goodbye. I thanked him for calling and he said the same thing he always says when he calls and I thank him for it... "it was totally selfish"

I didn't even get to tell him I missed him :(

Who wants to guess the million things that are running through my mind NOW? I feel guilty for not being strong today. For being on the verge of tears because I miss him so much. I feel guilty
for sounding like I didn't want to talk to him when I told him to just go to sleep. I feel guilty for not telling him how much I care about him before I hung up the phone. I wrote him a short e-mail apologizing for sounding snippy... but still.

I'm still nervous about having these moments. These moments where I just really miss him and really need and want him here. It makes me even more nervous to tell him about it. I think I'm terrified one day he's going to say "Listen... this is obviously too much for you, I knew I never should've dragged you into it.... I'm sorry but maybe it's better if we just seperate for now"

Which, isn't the case! It's not "too much" for me... and damn it, I AM strong. I've done a year of this. I'm still not down to double digit days so I have a few more months to go and I'm ready for it. Bring it on. I'm never worried about me not feeling strong enough or not being able to do it, I think I'm more worried that he doesn't see it.

*sigh*

I just miss him, a lot a lot... and is that really so bad?

4 comments:

Ky Woman

I know how you feel....just this morning, I was said to be just a little bit grumpy. Ummm, at 3:30am?!?
NO, it isn't bad.

Hang in there! You've come this far. When in those times of doubt, re read IM archives and old emails....that helps me reconnect with sanity.
Smiles!

Jrzy Army Wife

ok you made me cry. I can completely relate to everything you said. Especially the alot alot part. You are so close to being done.. I'm just getting to the only a year left mark. When in doubt... lotsa chocolate.

(army)Wife

Hang in there! Pretty soon "a lot a lot" will be hugs and kisses. It'll be here quicker than you think.

trying

Its always ok to miss them a lot a lot a lot! And really dont worry about always being strong and not wanting to tell him that you are really missing him at a certain time or something. I wondered about that and flyboy said that sometimes he was wondering how i really felt.

hormones are a bitch too so take it in strides.

hang in there your almost there....

****((HUGS))****