Thursday, February 7, 2008

What I really meant to say....

(Post 2 for the day... I wanted to share my adventures in babysitting story but for those who aren't interested I thought I'd get back to my regular blog topic.)

Valentines day is coming up. This means little to me seeing as I won't be doing much for valentines day except maybe bumming around the apt. in my pajamas that evening and watching chick flicks. I did get Sgt.'s packages off this Monday! You'd probably be surprised at how hard it is to find ranch flavored sunflower seeds in this town. I found them though... at a little gas station in the center of town (the 4th one I'd been to... after of course the big grocery stores). Sunflower seed crisis averted. It sounds rediculous but I really would've felt bad or dissapointed if I wasn't able to get them for him. I did send him a valentines themed package... and yes, I put heart and lip shaped confetti inside the cards. Sue me. :) (I did however put a warning on the outside of the cards that it was probably best to open in private and over a trash can.... that's fair right?) I sent him some movies that we had watched together before, his favorite coffee and some valentines candy. Nothing over the top but I wanted him to get something. And... in admission, I did do something a little cheesy/mushy/heartfelt - whatever you want to call it - I made a list of all the things I appreciate him for (all the ones I could think of over a few days anyway) and wrote 'em down. They range from the very simple (thank you for teaching me how to use chopsticks) to the emotionally complex (thank you for holding me when I need to be held... even if it's just through the phone). I'm not sure how much those things will all mean to a soldier who just got in from a few days at a COP and would really just like to brush his teeth and take a shower but hey.... sometimes you just gata be the girl that you are. Anyway, thats in there too. In Route to Iraq as we "speak."

The last time I talked to him was Monday afternoon. He called right before I left for work and it was great to hear his voice again. The conversation wasn't long since he was heading for bed and it was pretty late on his side of the world but a phone call is a phone call. It's wierd because sometimes I feel like we have nothing to talk about. Throughout the week there are so many times that I think about him or wish he was here, there are things that happen that I just want to tell him about immediately, but then we get on the phone and.... I've got nothing "Things here are good honey, just working, same old thing..." That seems hardly worth the effort of calling all the way from Iraq. It's a catch 22 though because when I do have a lot to say or even if I do go into minute detail about everything going on here, I feel like all I do is talk about myself, when all I really want to do is listen to him talk. It's the nature of the beast known as OPSEC though... there's not a whole lot he can say except "I'm good, I'm ok, I had a bad day" I can't ask why... well I can (and often do) but all I get is a reminder that "You know I can't go into it hon." - yeah I know. It sucks... did I ever tell you that? I look forward to the day when we don't have to discuss his day using air quotes (ex. "out")

Also, this video game thing.... I'm not going to complain to him about it because realistically I'm GLAD he has a way to decompress and take some time to himself and just do something pointless. It's good for him. But, the last time we talked, he said something and it's almost funny the way it came out because I KNOW he didn't mean it like this and I'm glad I'm secure enough to know that but he said "Sorry I didn't call earlier, we got in around 6pm *his time* but I got this new game in and have just been playing it ever since we got back from chow." he called me at about 1am his time. So yeah, he said that and then he said this which is the follow up statement that makes the first one valid to the "it came out wrong" theory - He was apologizing for not calling a lot these past few weeks and I was telling him it's ok, I know he's got a lot going on and that it's hard sometimes because when we DO get to talk there's not a whole lot to say (refer to earlier paragraph) and he said "well, it's not like we have to talk for an hour... I'd rather just talk for five min, see how you're doing, let you know I'm ok, hear your voice, that sort of thing." - Pause... reflect.... The angry girlfriend might think "so you 7 hours playing video games but you only want to talk to me for five min.?!" lol but really, I get what he's saying. It's better to talk for a short amount of time and check in on each other than to spend an hour breathing on the phone and repeating "I can't go into it." and I know it's not a "I'd rather play video games than talk to you" thing. On the level that it sounds like anyway. It was just one of those things where you get off the phone with each other and you're kind of like "well.... that was... nice?" He also sounded really tired and just sort of flat. All I know was I missed Sgt. a lot after that phone call.... but I had a tiny bit of fear that we were growing into strangers.

We're not.

Confirmed by e-mail (of course) a day or so later. He was back to sounding like his old self again so who knows, maybe it was a bad day, maybe he was tired, maybe he's in Iraq in a war zone and doesn't always have the capacity to be sweet and charming and deep and I shouldn't worry so much (not that I do).... yeah. Thats probably it ;).

Which brings me (finally... geeze, my posts always seem so long!) to my last point. This was also posed as a question in my mind after reading another blog. (The most recent one by Kaboom: A soldiers war journal... it's in my "check this out" section over <---- that way.) I never know what to say. I love telling him about my days, and talking about the things he CAN talk about. I like hearing that he misses me and telling him I miss him, to be safe, that I'm thinking of him, that I'm proud of him... but do those things help? Does he know how much I mean them? They're not empty words or things I just say, there is a lot of care and concern and hope and meaning behind those words. I just don't know what else there is to say ya know? I don't think there is anything else you can say. I certainly would never say "I know how you feel" cause thats just a bold face lie. There's no first hand advice I can give him, hell he's the one thats been through this once already. Maybe thats why I say those things so often... because there are so many other things I wish I could say or knew how to say... but since I don't, those are the sentances I use to convey an array of emotions. I know how much he misses me and cares about me, he doesn't have to tell me all the time for me to know that (although it's always nice to hear) and I guess I just hope that he is the same. That even though I can't say everything to make it better .... I would do anything to be able to.

After this deployment is over.... I don't want to do anything but lay around on the couch and talk about something that we've done the day before.... together.

2 comments:

trying

I'll send you the bottom tray of my witman's sampler to celebrate the day. Quite an offer isnt it? : )

I think the list of what Sgt means to you is going to mean a lot to him. My never emotional marine husband saved every letter I've written him and despite sending a ton of them he would always ask for more. He said it was impossible to understand how it brightened his day. Im sure your Sgt feels the same way.

KJ

ohh yummm :) That IS quite an offer!