Thursday, May 22, 2008

Anticipatory Grief

Imagine the following conversation at about 7:15 in the morning. We've woken up, he's about an hour behind where he wanted to be in his day (seeing as he wanted to get up extra early to get some school stuff done), we've started coffee and I'm standing in a towel putting contacts in as Sgt. walks into the bathroom....

Sgt. "So, are you done being mad now?"

Me "nope"

Sgt. "Ok, well, when you are, we should talk about this and how it's so common that the Army even has a pamphlet on it. I know I deal with leaving a little bit different than everyone else, but you're acting like I'm going out of my way to be a jerk, when I'm really trying not to be for YOU... because I care. Believe it or not, this will end up being the hardest leaving I've had to do"

Me *silence and sad stare*

This entire time has been amazing, like I said, boy do I have stories!! One of them includes him changing my flight home from Maine to Tennessee so that I could spend the weekend with him because he couldn't wait another two days to see me. During that weekend, we took a road trip to Gatlanburg, took a helicopter tour of the smokey mountains and sat in front of a fire talking in a big over sized chair. The next morning he wakes me up with a cup of coffee in hand and tells me "Good morning beautiful. Here's coffee, take your time getting up and getting ready, there's no rush, but when you are ready, breakfast is almost done." I walked into the kitchen and there are flowers sitting on the table and a great breakfast with all my favorite fruit, biscuits, sausage and cheese just waiting to be devoured.

Another great story is we had a date night in Austin which is where the beginning of our story takes place.... it was also the same place we last saw each other before he left for overseas duty station and eventually Iraq. He purposefully planned the entire evening to mesh our very first date and our very last. We ate at the same restaurant and even sat in the same booth as we did on our first date. We stayed at the same hotel that we did on our last night together. We laughed and talked about the first date and how far we've come. It was an amazing night.

These are particular memories, but my favorite times have just been us being together. Watching a movie together late at night. Waking up in his arms. The man has said some of the sweetest and most considerate things he's ever said to me. Thinking about them again in my mind practically makes me melt. We've had so much fun together and it just reaffirms how much we care about each other and how well we fit into each others lives... it's almost scary.

And then the crappy part of this leave cycle begins.

Yesterday evening he texted me to inform me that he was going to Starbucks to work on some school work, alone, (that part was very apparent), and that he would call me later. After calling to see what was up (I could clearly tell from the tone of his text he was a little edgy) it was a brief and snappy conversation. I decided to let it go... I knew he was tired cause we'd stayed up the previous night till five in the morning talking about life (seriously)... I knew he was getting frustrated about not having enough hours in the day so I picked up dinner and did some stuff around the house until he got home. We had a good night, ate and talked for a little bit then went straight to bed early. This morning was good and after the alarm went off (again, for the third time) we decided to start coffee and get back in bed to cuddle for a little bit (his idea). Then once we finally got up he said something sarcastic that I scoffed about... then he kept on about it which really ticked me off. I even told him "you're seriously hurting my feelings right now" "babe, I'm kidding" "whatever"

Being the information hog that I am, I've read the "cycles of a deployment" article. Well, it's different when it's you. I mean it's not different, it's exactly how it says it is, but you don't see it or realize it all the time when it's happening to you. Luckily he's patient... however cranky the man may get, he really does care and wants the same thing I want, for us to enjoy our last few days together.

Sgt: "I'm not going to tell you how you feel, but I would say that you're probably 10% mad about what I said 5% mad because it's just this early in the morning and 85% mad because of *insert weekend day morning*"

Me: "No, I'm mad because you are starting to leave and you're not even gone yet. You're being all cranky and I don't know what else to do... I'm doing the best I can"

Sgt: "you're doing great honey, and I'm sorry if I'm being an ass but you know this isn't easy for me and you're not giving me any credit for even trying"

Me: "well you're not the only one this is hard for... I'm sorry I'm being pissy though"

Sgt: *wraps me up in a hug that makes me just want to stand there for the rest of eternity*

I think that now that we've talked about it it'll be ok. At least we got it out there, we don't want to bicker.... and pushing each other away is only going to make us feel guilty once he's gone. His unit moved while he's been home so communication will be a lot more limited in his new AO.... which freakin' sucks now that he's been home for 18 days.

In good news (and in sort of a request) - Sgt. has put in a packet for the Army's green to gold program and if he gets it... well, it would be the biggest blessing in both of our lives. He's worked so hard and is an outstanding soldier... please pray for him and for this opportunity for him. PLEASE... even if it's just one prayer... right now.... I'll wait. *pause* Thank you! We should find out within the next couple of months if he was accepted which would mean a "not so much longer till we see each other again" deal.

This weekend is going to suck. I miss him already. His family did however honor our request to be alone for the airport drop off, so at least we'll have that. I love R&R but man... it is such a tease.

3 comments:

Jrzy Army Wife

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm glad you guys had an amazing R&R.. just think.. next time he's home it'll be for good.

trying

we nit pick with each other before he goes away for more then a couple of months. its a way to get the guard up and get into the zone. its stupid but sigh... after ten years we still do it. and when he leaves and your heartbroken we'll all be here for you.

good luck with the green to gold packet. im guessing htat the army's commissioning program?

(army)Wife

I'm so glad R&R was so wonderful! Good luck with the Green to Gold program. That will be such an awesome opportunity!