Thursday, January 29, 2009

Spring?!

Proof that I have potential to trick myself into believing I know anything about gardening, or that I will ever be capable of being the perfect image of wonderful homemaker and Marth-Stewart esq extraordinaire! beautify a home one day!
Look what I made! Or grew? Ok, so I watered it... that's all... but I'm proud of myself! This little beauty has been growing on the filing cabinet next to my desk for a few weeks now and it's the first thing I've ever grown from nothing to something. Sure I can keep things alive (which to be honest was all this involved...) but I checked the roots and tugged to strengthen and added water and... didn't do much else, ok fine, but it still smells good :) Flowers make me happy.

I feel like such a bad blogger lately. "You haven't blogged in a while" says my boyfriend one night while on the phone. If Sgt. is mentioning how long I've been away then I know I must not be keeping up. I know he checks it from time to time but he's hardly got a 1/4 of my insistent and impatient streak... "I know but I just don't have much to say, all I've got is how wonderful I think you are and I'm sure people get tired of reading that." "riiiight."

Plans are still in motion for moving up there! Every day is one day closer and I can't wait! I'll be up there over Valentines weekend and a couple weeks after that I'll be cashing in on a one way trip :). It still makes me all warm and fuzzy when he talks about how excited he is. We've slowly started to let the news out to friends and family. We agreed in the beginning to keep it to ourselves so we could avoid the outside influence. We didn't want our family or close friends to try and sway us one way or the other, even though we know they have the best of intentions, we wanted to do this on our own. We wanted it to be our decision and succeed or fail, to know we did it with a clear mind of what we were doing. So far the reaction has all been supportive and happy.

That's really it. Other than moving and working my life is day to day. Nothing bad, I'm happy! Just not a lot going on. Oh, I did my taxes today! umm... I've been looking into going back to school to get a CNA or LPN (LVN) certification once I get to TN, still thinking on it though. Oh, and I'm jealous.

Wait, what?

That didn't come out right.

Ok, fine, it did. I'm jealous. I thought a lot about if I wanted to blog on this today... honestly I was looking for another way to explain it but it's best to get it out there, I've got a jealous streak. And not the fun, oh my gosh I'm so jealous of those shoes! Kind of way. No. I don't even get jealous over the fun stuff... I'm happy for you, wonderful shoes, but I am happy with my life, what I have, and grateful, but it's come to my attention that I'm somewhat... have a streak... of jealous girlfriend in me.

Not the psycho, "Hi, I'm sure you've heard of me, stop talking to my boyfriend" kind of way.... I SWEAR (honey, seriously, you know I'm not) I'm jealous is in the "I talked to so and so the other day!" "oh yeah? How is she? (refraining, literally forcing myself to not ask, "what did she want? What did you guys talk about?)" It's like the good angel and the bad angel on my shoulder.... because the HONEST truth is I'm glad he's got those friends, they sound like nice girls, heck maybe WE could even be friends one day too, who cares if once upon a time they had a thing for/were in love with my boyfriend. Oh, wait. That would be me.

And I don't care, really, because I am one of the biggest "Yes, you can be friends with an ex" advocate. After time of course, but I see no reason to hate or never talk to someone who you just don't work out with romantically. But I do care. In fact, IIII am friends, strictly friends, hows the family? Hows the new girlfriend? Congrats on the baby! kind of friends with a few of my ex's. Unless it really bothered Sgt. and he felt uneasy about it, I'll continue to be friends with them. Double standard much? That's why it's so frustrating, I don't want to be jealous, I know with my whole heart he loves me, and that he wants me, that he has no interest in seeing what else is out there, and I know he chooses me. That I'm his person, and that he's my person (you know the person you go to with the good and the bad and the everyday) and that the fact that he's able to move on from the past hurt and remain cordial and friendly to these girls is just another testament to his character.

I'm not the jealous, eye dagger, snooty kind of jealous. I'm the... "ok... but I just don't want her to one day call and say 'Listen, I know you have a girlfriend, but I'm in love with you... I miss you" and you to say "sorry, but we can still be friends" because I know girls... and we're persistent. And dang it, I don't want someone else wanting my boyfriend! Especially someone he would have coffee with to say hi. I don't want her fantasising about having his last name and getting a dog together... those are my fantasies... :-/. (Ok, that sounded a little spoiled brat...)

God Bless the man, really, because he's incredibly patient. We had this conversation last night and the whole time he never got upset or annoyed, he was telling me about a conversation with one of these ladies and I could feel that feeling. And then we talked about it. And he just kind of laughed and gave advice and reassured and did everything I needed and wanted and more. No, he's not excusing it, and doesn't think it's ok, but he can understand where it comes from and knows it's not that I don't trust him. Really. Because if he said "I think I'm going to grab lunch with so and so" My first, second, and third thought would not involve him cheating on me or disrespecting our relationship... I'm just, jealous she's having lunch with my boyfriend.

Oh my gosh, I get his point now. He said something last night that made sense, sort-of, but I think I just got it. He said that he knows the jealousy thing isn't about him... and that he believes that I trust him and that he's been there before so he knows what I'm talking about, and he said "it has to do with ownership..." "I do not feel like I own you" "No? ok, probably not in the obvious way or even in a rational, that's how you think you feel way... but sometimes there's a sense of entitlement behind it all" that's not word for word but close enough... and you know what, the fact that I just said "She's having lunch with MY boyfriend" and definitely got the image of me yanking him backwards like little kids do with toys when they don't want to share, makes sense.

And no, I don't want to share. And yes, he's my boyfriend... but deep down there is probably a sense of you're mine, and she can't have you. When really, it's he's mine because he wants to be mine. I have no idea if that makes sense in writing but, he'll be glad to hear I think I finally get his point!

The short of it all is that he respects how I feel about it, and is willing to meet me in the middle on it and make sure that he's not doing things he thinks would appear shady to me and he's being patient and not getting upset or defensive when I admit that I get those feelings. And also, I really have nothing against these women. They've never done anything either that I felt crossed a line or was obviously wrong (except letting this guy go, but I'm willing to give them a medal for it if need be.... their loss is my gain)... I immediately feel bad for getting that jealous feeling, so it's not that I LIKE feeling this way... *sigh* I'm working on it. I'll work on it. Maybe we can have them over for dinner one night... would that be too weird? I'd go to dinner with my ex and his fiance if invited. Maybe he and I can talk about it.

If they step in the other room to talk and close the door though.... it's on.

Like I said, I'll work on it!

4 comments:

KJ

I'm glad you posted this- Ranger Man's got all these girl friends (the ex kind), and they drive me batty! I think it's another can of worms in at least one of the cases with him... but still! I have guy friends (although not my exes) so I too feel guilty about the double standard. Gah! My blood pressure is raising just thinking about it. I have no idea when I became this jealous!

Lindsay

Been there!

I think it's a lot harder on a long distance relationship because you don't get to go to lunch with your boyfriend.

Since moving down here to be with *R*, my twinge of jealousy, much like the one you described, has subsided in HUGE amounts.

Trust me, give it 3 or 4 months in Tennessee and your jealousy will not be an issue anymore. You'll be on to much more important things like, "He's always leaving his shoes in the middle of the living room"!!

Tango1

I don't think I could have put that more eloquently. I completely understand how you feel. I have twinges of jealousy about GB and one his friends at school, this 20 year old girl from Brooklyn. I feel jealous that she gets to be a part of his college world that I can never really be a part of. I've been having trouble explaining it to GB. I may just send him a link to your post. It just says it all :) Good luck on your upcoming move!

indiana.girl

I've felt the same way before; when Keith's ex called him in Indiana, it bothered me. I wonder why it can be so difficult to own up to?