Wednesday, January 16, 2008

FUBAR day...

Hey there. It's been a few days since I last posted cause there hasn't really been a lot to update. Yesterday was just about the worst day I've had since SGT left way back in March. A lot played into it but in short, I got into a screaming match (I NEVER yell... in fact this is the first time I remember losing my temper in over a year), had my character attacked, cried (I'm also not a crier), locked my keys in the car while it was running and ran out of coffee creamer. Funny thing about it all (if there is such a thing, trust me it was NOT funny) is that it seems as though SGT knows exactly when I need him, even from Iraq.

In the midst of all of that other stuff happening, I got a phone call from him AND a package from him came. Sometimes all you need to hear is "Well, I just got back in and can't talk for too long but I missed you and wanted to hear your voice... how are you doing darlin'?" Luckily for him he called early so the majority of my bad day hadn't happened yet. "I'm doing good, how are you doing?" - that is my standard response. Whether or not it's the case is neither here nor there. He can tell if it's not, if I'm not doing good, pretty much immediately after I say it anyway and I don't think "Terrible, hows your life?" is a good response to "I miss you darlin'". We talked for a few minutes, mostly about my morning thus far and what his plans were for the evening (chow, gym, finishing up paperwork before sleep, early rise). He got the package I sent last week so we talked about that as well. I didn't send any snacks in this one per his request... apparently he's got plenty. I did however, send a bag full of gum with a note attached that said "give it to the kids." He got a kick out of that. "Well, you sent coffee and that's my favorite thing so I suppose I can share the gum." - he would've anyway even if I hadn't requested it... he's a sucker for the kids. Otherwise he's doing good, seemed to have high spirits which is always reassuring. He let me know I wouldn't hear from him until later in the week.... which usually means he'll be "out" or away from his computer at least. Oh, and about the package I got. It's a belated... very belated, Christmas gift. Do I care? Not at all, it arrived before Valentines day and that was the deal :) haha. It's one of those digital photo frames, very cool. I can't wait to put pictures on it later tonight after work!!

I miss him. Usually I'm pretty good about all this and truth be told time really does seem to be flying by! We talked about it last week when he called... since we only get to talk a couple times a week (on the phone), every other time we talk it's like "ok, I'll talk to you next week sometime." and time really has flown by... but there are just those days. Take yesterday for example... all I wanted was to go crawl in bed and sleep the day off. I just wanted him here, just to sit in bed and BE THERE with me... he wouldn't even have to say anything, just sit there... it's times like that when listening to "Feels like home" by Chantal Kreviazuk or "I miss you a little" by John Michael Montgomery is almost a form of self mutilation. I'm sure any 4th year pre-thesis social psychology major would have a field day with me on days like that.

Part of the reason yesterday was so bad was because the person I got into this screaming match with began chipping at my relationship. Now, I'm a reasonable girl. I don't expect a lot of people to understand how or why I am involved with this man. I don't expect someone who sees two people who live in different countries, one of which is in reasonable danger, to understand that there is no where else I'd rather be than right here waiting for him. I get that they don't get it, and they don't have to. I don't need their understanding to confirm what I already know, that it's worth it. In fact I've had on more than one occasion someone ask me... "why would you wana do that? You're young, you've got a lot going for you, how is this even going to work" and I'm happy to answer the question. Because it's for him. There is only one SGT., no matter how charming someone else is, how close I live to them, how much less worry I'd have to endure in a relationship with someone else... that someone else is not him. He is the only man who makes me feel completely invincible and incredibly vulnerable at the same time. The only man who is strong enough to tell me when I'm being unwaveringly stubborn and get me to actually listen. The only man who's hands I can feel touch my face when I close my eyes and dream about the last time we were standing next to each other. So it doesn't matter if he's thousands of miles away or right by my side.... there's only one of him and I'll wait as long as I need to, endure whatever I have to, to have him. Ok that's cheesy... I know, but it's true.

Anyway, I got of topic... yesterday this particular individual was using his arsenal of questionable knowledge to shove all these unfounded concerns and thoughts into my head. His relentless barrage of insults came in the form of "you know the only reason he's with you is because he's lonely. He's over there with nothing to do and you're the one who sends him letters and packages and blah blah blah... but as soon as he gets back, he's not going to need you anymore. It's not so much that he cares about you than it's that he's lonely" and to "you know he's probably hooking up with some other female soldier... why wouldn't he? He's over there, no one cares, you'll never know, you really think he's going to go THAT LONG without....?" There were more but apparently I've pushed them out. Point being that rationally I know that's all wrong. Simply put, it's just wrong. I know that. But of course the emotional day that it was and me being a girl... even if only every once in a while, it gets to you. You don't want to wander about stuff like that. "what if he is just lonely?" "I would never find out, that's true" - and maybe those are valid concerns... however they're unfounded. He's never given me a reason to believe any of that or think anything other than I am absolutely adored and cherished and the only woman he wants to be with (unless of course you count the girls in the Maxim magazine... but hey...) so why do people like that get to you? I guess because you can't just call him (SGT) up and be like "ha, can you believe what this asshole just said? Can't wait to hug you when you get home in a few hours and wipe any worry from my mind" It's not that easy... but it's not too hard. I know that next time SGT calls, I'll mention it and the first thing out of his mouth will probably be "Darlin', you know that's not true right?" after maybe "Who is he?" - gata love a man who wants to come to your rescue even from Iraq.

Any who, today is much better. Yesterday is gone and done with. Only a few more days and I'll be under 200 days to go till I get to see him smiling at me! Can't wait.