THAT soundtrack.

Well for all intense purposes it's another week down. Whoo hoo! I wish I was a little more enthusiastic but I haven't heard from Sgt. in a couple of days (in any form) and haven't gotten a call this week. Don't get me wrong... I'm not wallowing or thinking insecure thoughts. I'm confident enough in "us" to know that it's not "he's mad at me" or "I wonder if he even misses me anymore" - he does. I know that. It's also not the "oh my gosh, maybe he's splattered on Iraqi soil somewhere"... no news is good news. If I've learned anything it's that bad news in the Army, travels pretty fast. It's hard to explain how I feel when I haven't heard from him.

Sometimes lonely is a good way to describe it. I'm typically not a lonely person at all. (Even in my situation of living in the middle of nowhere as a twenty something).... but I've said on more than one occasion that when I get to talk to him it makes him feel closer. The opposite of that, suggests that not hearing from him makes him feel very far away. Reality bites. I hate feeling that disconnection. So it starts with the lonely feeling. Nothing too overwhelming, I hold myself together pretty well, just a nagging feeling. Then after a day or two of that if I still haven't heard much from him I start getting defensive! Yeah, DEFENSIVE. I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to relationships (or men's ability to function in one) and giving my heart away. I've found that when you do that (the giving away the heart thing) you become much more vulnerable. Vulnerable is not something I'm good at. It took Sgt. many long weeks of "I'm going to prove to you I'm not like the rest of them" before I actually began to give weight to his sincerity. I'd like to think I'm past all of that now with him, in most cases I am, he's definitely proved me wrong (to my obvious delight). But I guess like any woman who has been burned in the past we're cautious of it happening again. So after a couple days of lonely I start to think to myself "well if he doesn't want to write, I won't write either. When he has time he will but I'm not going to look like some desperate clingy 'can't handle this deployment' girlfriend." That's where I am today. I hate this stage! Mostly because I go to compose an e-mail and type a few lines then delete it and walk away from the computer. It's repetitive and annoying and an incredible waste of time. In fact, writing this blog is an excellent distraction from my urge to write to him. At least this one is slightly more productive than "Hey honey, hope everything's going well. Work was good today just..... *BACKSPACE*"

Now realistically I know whats probably going on is this: He was out, came back in and was exhausted (who could blame him right!). Second day of being back in he had some work to get done, more resting, and getting ready to roll back out. Tomorrow (or today... I haven't pin pointed the schedule yet) he'll go back "out" where he'll be pretty busy till he gets back in. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now during all this time I'm sure he's probably thought about me, probably looked at some pictures, maybe re read a few letters and maybe even went to smell that pillowcase I sprayed down with my perfume that I sent him for Christmas. How sweet. :) And I'm also sure that the next time I hear from him he'll say something like "I'm so sorry I didn't call, we were so busy. I miss you so much, I can't wait till leave darlin'" and I will smile and respond accordingly and everything will be right with the world :). But the "GIRL" side of me is going crazy having not heard from him and then forcibly resisting to contact him every day. I have a journal that I write in, (more writing i know... but it's an outlet for me!) and in the back of that journal, when he left on this deployment, I decided to write down all the extra-romantic things he said while he was gone. That way during the times he was in "soldier mode" and not able to be romantic or emotional OR if I wasn't able to talk to him, I would have those things to remind me of just how much he cares. I'll probably read that again tonight. Seems like maybe it's a good time for it. I haven't done it yet cause like I said, I'm in my defensive stage :).

Along with all of this "I haven't heard from my soldier" process comes a soundtrack. I don't know what it is about me (and lots of others I've heard of) but i like to listen to music that represents my mood. If I'm angry I don't want to listen to something that's super upbeat and happy and vice versa. Well the strange part about this is even though I already miss him and am lonely and slightly sad... (I'm not edging towards a cliff though, don't worry) I want to listen to sad music. Maybe it's a sort of purging of emotions. Who knows. Anyway, I have a playlist on my ipod for such an occasion. Go ahead, download these songs (legally of course) yourself... you'll see what I mean.

- I wish you'd stay : Brad Paisley
- Freeze frame time : Brandon Rhyder
- Leaving on a jet plane : Chantal Kraviazuk
- Feels like home : Chantal Kraviazuk
- Home : Daughtry
- Home : Michael Buble
- Texas Angel : Honeybrowne
- Wonderful tonight : Michael Buble
- I miss you a little : John Michael Montgomery
- Home to you : John Michael Montgomery
- Letters from home : John Michael Montgomery
- Hard man to love : Kevin Fowler
- Not a day goes by : Lonestar
- I'm already there : Lonestar
- One moment more : Mindy Smith
- Boston : Wade Bowen
- Temporary Angel : Pat Green
- Miss you with me : Randy Rogers
- Stay with me a while : Ryan James
- Come home soon : SHeDaisy
- Let me hold you : Stoney LaRue
- I need you : Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
- Who I am : Wade Bowen

They're also just good "I miss you" songs. Eh. I digress. I'm going to grab some dinner and maybe take a nice hot shower :).... oh and press "play."