Thursday, August 7, 2008

Finish line

I suppose this would be the home stretch... phone cards have been used up and we won't be recharging them. A few more signatures and a couple more plane rides and I will finally get to see him, hug him, and smile at him.

FINALLY single digit days.

Sgt. has been so busy and working so hard at clearing on time. I listen to his voice on the other end of the phone telling me about his day, what he was able to get done, the things he was able to check off his list and he inevitably ends it with "I'm one step closer to getting home to you." *swoon*

That's not to say that trying to get all this done while also stepping into a major life change is easy or without it's stresses. In fact, the other day we were talking on IM and because tone of voice is void, while I was thinking he was excited about something (because I was excitedly asking questions), he was really growing frustrated. I actually didn't even know he was "arguing" (for lack of a better word) with me until he called to apologize for being grouchy and short. I sort of felt like an idiot because, had I been focusing more, (I went to reread the archive to see what he meant) and not been in lala land at the thought of him boarding a plane, I would've realized from the beginning that he wasn't in the best mood. The rest of the day I was sort of off because of the whole situation. It's tough because in something like this you just want to be supportive and NOT add stress or frustration... but I'm not there, there is nothing I can do to help him. I know he wants to be home as much, if not more, as I want him home, but it sucks being a little helpless in getting him here. It was absolutely fine later on, we were able to talk (read: he called me out on being off and was patient until I was finally able to sort through whyyyy I was off - I can never say it enough, I am so lucky I have him.) and we were able to actually get a good conversation through it. I think seeing each others side in things like this is important because however much we are "together" in this as a team, and working towards a common goal, each side of the coin is different.

I must admit... I am a little anxious about this next step. Everything is changing, and rather abruptly. One day he's in the Army, the next he's not. One day he's in another country, the next he's not. I have to agree with Loqui here on it ending just as quickly as it started. We have a lot of adjusting to do these next few months. We will still be apart, but we will have the ability to contact each other daily and visit when we're able. He will be getting used to living back in the "civilian" world and I have yet to determine how easy or difficult that might be. (Sort of a wait and see I think). He'll be a college student. I will actually have some insight into things he's dealing with (which will be awesome)! We will be thinking about and discussing another major change with the prospect of me moving to where he is in the future. I imagine this next year is going to be a wild ride :) - but as long as we stick together, as long as we are supporting each other and continue on the road we're on, I think we'll make it. We're tough. I'll say this - I didn't lose him to a deployment, or to Iraq, and I am dang sure not losing him to college (or to anything else for that matter :)).

So, where do we go from here? How do we continue to cultivate our relationship in a new environment? Will this test us and strain us or will this bring us closer than we've ever been (even now... and I'd say now we're doing pretty dang good)? *sigh* I think too much. Of all the things that ARE uncertain about the future, there are a few things that I do not question:
  • Sgt. is going to do absolutely fine in school and in adjusting. If for no other reason than, he won't allow himself not to, even if it takes time.
  • I will inevitably have a little anxiety when the aforementioned success places me at a back burner (if it does).
  • We are going to do our best, and work our hardest at enjoying every moment we have in this life together, no matter if we're still apart or not.
  • I am going to take every opportunity that I have to let him know I'm supporting him and that I care about him (some things never change huh ;) )

And I suppose, with those things in line, we're not so bad off now, are we :).

OOOOHHHHH AND....

Since I haven't updated this to all my (five) readers out there! - I finally spilled the beans to Sgt. about the blog. Ever since I started posting, it's been for me to have an outlet during his deployment. A lot of times, I didn't want to burden him and then others, I wasn't even sure what exactly I was feeling - but I have always hoped to show it to him when he got home. Sort of a way for me to explain and express what the deployment was like for ME, the best way I knew how. Well the other day, I told him about it. At first I just said it sort of nonchalantly "Yeah, I kind of kept a blog about the deployment" and then I told him more about it as he asked questions, he seemed excited to see it (which is what I'd hoped for). He asked for the blog name and I wouldn't give it to him just yet.... I want to be there too, I want to be able to reassure him when he reads something about me being upset or disappointed, and I want to be able to see him smile when he reads me blabbering on about how much I adore him. I think part of the blog has always been his reaction... and now it's sort of coming full circle. So, in about a weeks time (give or take) he will see it all.... I'll let you know how it went :).

Which brings me to a FINAL point... and then I promise I'm done with this post! What to do from here? I really enjoy blogging, even from my little part of the web... but in a few short days I will no longer be an "Army Girlfriend." Granted... I will still be dating a veteran, who is integrating back into civilian world... whilst attending college with the anticipation of a commissioning back into the Army at the end of it all.... but, there is no more deployment, I am no longer the proverbial "one waiting back at home" as my blog description suggests. I am finally, what I really have always been underneath it all, just a girl, in love with a man, who has a special connection to our nations Armed Forces. Surely there will be adventures ahead, and I'm sure I can find something to blog about... but should I? Is that the point? Or is the blog better left how it is, where other ladies, in love with other men, facing other deployments can come and read through my experience? I suppose I have a little more time to figure that one out... although, not long... like I said, a few more signatures and a couple more plane rides...

and thats, it.


4 comments:

Erin

I just wanted to say congratulations on getting through the deployment! You really should be proud of yourself! From personal experience, I totally understand the nerves involved approaching a reunion. Like "will he be the same?" "will it be different now". But from personal experience, set those worries aside because the actual homecoming will one of the most amazing feelings/moments you can ever experience. Things might not be easy, but the having him back is amazing enough to overcome all the roughness (if that makes any sense at all). Good luck to both of you! I hope the remaining few days go FAST!!!

Stephanie

Ditto to everything Erin said!

I hope the next few days fly by for you. :D

Tiffany

hi... i'm a fellow military girlfriend who came across your blog when my boyfriend deployed a couple of months ago. It really has been a source of knowledge and inspiration to read your blog being that I have never been through a deployment before and know no others that have or are dealing with such a thing where I am at. Just wanted to say hi and congrats on the soon-to-be -over deployment! I wish you guys the best of luck!

Anonymous

As someone who has been reading your blog for a while (but never having commented), I just wanted to say thank you for sharing what you have been through. I am in a similar situation to you and it is encouraging to hear someone else is going through it too.