Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Godzillapede

My boyfriend loves me unconditionally and here's how I know:

He remained completely calm and supportive and encouraging while on the phone with me as I was in my tiny apartment freaking about about this -


"What is that" You ask? Well, my friends, it's a Scolopendra Heros Castaneiceps (ok, so I have google) - which in my language last night sounded more like "A GIGANTIC RED HEADED CENTIPEDE!!!"

I got home from work last night and was changing when I spotted something on my ceiling. My place is done up like a log cabin (literally, the interior is wood and rock walls) and it has rope trimming in all the places where the ceiling meets the walls and the ceiling meets the other part of the ceiling. Well THIS thing was crawling on my ceiling (on the rope specifically.)

Now, I am not a freak about bugs... I can deal with most of them. I don't like June bugs cause they fly in your face, but I can handle it. Spiders I'm fine with. Scorpions, ok. Even snakes don't phase me but two things I can not stand are Cockroaches and Centipedes. Out of all the creepy crawly creatures that live out here, this is the one that found it's way into my apartment. I'm just lucky I guess.

Now Sgt. called pretty much right as I spotted the thing so he got to go through the whole journey with me. (Lucky him) I am doing all the stereotypical things a girl does when she sees a bug - screeching, backing against a wall, freaking out about the slightest tingle of hair in my face or odd feeling beneath my foot, saying "ooooohhhhh eeeeewwww he's so freaky!!", and generally developing some SERIOUS anxiety over this. I just stand (against a wall) starring at it. I can't take my eyes off of it because if I loose sight of it and then it disappears that will REALLY freak me out.

Sgt. is being calm, - "It's ok baby, listen, do you have anything you can get it off the ceiling with, like a broom or something"
Me(freaking out) - "NO! I am not going to stand underneath it and try and sweep it off the ceiling, what if it falls on me!!"
Sgt - "Ok, well what is your plan honey. You have to kill it... I'm sorry I'm not there to rescue you, I would kill the centipede if I was there, but I'm not, so you're gana have to do it baby."
Me - "oooooohhhh I HATE THIS! This thing is creepy! I wish you were here! I miss you! UUUHHH it looks like it's going to fall! EWW it's hanging from the ceiling! Oh my God, I hate this"
Sgt - "it's gana be ok"

At this point (and this is how I know I'm PMSing) it was all a little overwhelming and I started to cry. But not just cry, bawl.

Me (sobbing) -"I hate this stupid thing. I miss you, I wish you were here. GAH!! UGH, it's creepy and I'm scared and why is it in my room! I can't do this... I miss you"
Sgt - "baby... listen to me, talk to me, whats wrong?"
Me - "I don't know! I don't know why I'm crying over a stupid bug, I just *sob* wish I didn't have to do this right now... I wish you were here."

The entire time he is calm and caring. Deep down he was probably wanting to laugh his ass off but on the phone with me he remained serious (except when I told him I didn't want to throw any of my good shoes at the thing... that got a laugh) and supportive. I devised a plan to throw my flip flops at it in order to knock it off the ceiling.

Sgt - "Good babe, then what are you going to kill it with?"
Me - "ooooooo I don't KNOW! UGH.... I just want it to die. Do you think the fall would kill it? I'm scared it's going to crawl on me or jump at me"
Sgt (obviously a little humored now) - "Honey... not that I'm an expert, but I think the trajectory range of a centipede is only about one foot... if that."
Me - "What if it crawls on me, I just want it to crawl outside"
Sgt. "Do you have the door open?"
Me - "NO! What if more come inside!"

I found a board in the corner of my room... which I'm not sure why it was there but now it serves as my centipede killing weapon, and we decide I'm going to throw shoe, then smash with board. Simple enough. I throw three shoes, and miss completely. I'm a horrible shot apparently. As I'm talking to Sgt. again though I hear it fall.

Me - "OH MY GOD! IT FELL!!"

I jump on my bed and start to freak out again but he remains calm and tells me to get down and to kill it, now is my chance. I get off the bed (at a long far distance away) and it looks like the fall might have shocked him because he's just writhing around and flipping in one place.... I finally do it, I smash it and then lay on my bed starring at it to make sure it doesn't move.

After all this was finally over, my nerves were shot. The entire episode took about 45 min. and afterwards I just wanted to lay there. I apologized for freaking out and Sgt. just kinda laughed and then said "honey, it's unconditional love, even if you lose it over a centipede, I'm still gana be here" :)

So... there it is. We survived the great Godzillapede, and afterwards I made some coffee, lit a few candles, and watched Sleepless in Seattle. Yay for being a woman.

7 comments:

Sara

ewww... I can't do bugs at all. And I can't kill them because of bug splatter and all that. Ok im getting sick thinking about it.

Lindsay

LOL!

Too funny!

Rebecca

That bug did look pretty scary! Since I'm the oldest in my family, my sisters always made me kill the bugs, so I'm pretty used to killing gross things. But I think I would have had a problem with that weird centipede too! Gross!

Jrzy Army Wife

LOL!too funny.. you did great ....those things are dangerous if they bite you!

New Girl on Post

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at the events portrayed, but obviously you have a very caring man who can walk you through those nasty situations.

S.Lovely

HAHAHAHA! I laughed reading this story, I would have been freaking out too. Glad you survived, you should feel accomplished.

Jamie

EEWWWW, I feel like something is crawling on me now. Can't.Stop.Thinking.About.It.
Yuck!