Wednesday, July 9, 2008

So close now

I'm terrified that something will happen to him right before he comes home.

There. I said it.

Worrying about him is pretty much a constant state of mind. Anytime any loved one is placed in a dangerous area or dangerous situation, you worry. It's just what people do. However, I have been so anxious lately just waiting to hear he's not in Iraq anymore. All of this is falling right into place... everything has gone well, and I guess I'm just worried the bottom will fall out right before he's supposed to leave.

I trust that God is looking out for him, and that we are incredibly blessed with this opportunity but there is still worry. I know he is anxious as well so it's possible I'm feeding off his vibes and vice versa. I just want to hear he's out of there. Anywhere else. Yesterday & today he was told to start packing and told

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While I was typing this blog, the above spot is where I stopped when an IM popped up on my screen from Sgt. I am still in awe of somehow, someway, him being there when I need him... even when he's so far away.
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Sgt: So how was your day babe?
me: It's been good! How was yours? How are you??
Sgt: It's been good!
Sgt: Great actually!!!
me: Great? really?!
Sgt: It's not DONE yet... but I was promised papers in my hand by 1900 tomorrow and then the next step is finding a plane to catch a ride on.
Sgt: I don't have to roll out anymore baby
me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: No more missions?!?!
Sgt: Shouldn't be :)

Now, I'm not much of a crier, but the waterworks definitely started with that bit of information. Finally when I get up the courage to admit to myself that it was really eating me up inside... this worry, it's not an issue anymore. I don't think I realized how much weight I was carrying over it until he told me that. I put my hands up to my mouth and tears just started coming: relief, happiness.... I let them come. No more rolling out. At least, as far as we're concerned at this point. (Everything I say now as a definite statement should have the added default of "unless of course, something changes, which it likely may, and often does")

This past year has been trying. I think it will take time to come off of the hardening and strength you build up... it certainly takes longer than a day to create, I'd imagine the same can be said for taking it down. It's strange to think that this is all about to be over. I had an "ah ha!" moment the other day and I'm still thinking about it and letting it sink in. That epiphany is this:

He's going to be home.

No more worrying if the bad headline in the news is him. No more slow internet and crackling phone connections. When I forget my phone in the car or in the other room, I don't have to rush back for it in hopes that he was able to finally get through for a call or a text because if I missed it, I can call him back. No more helicopters in the background. He can tell me about his day without using air quotes and vague descriptions. All the worrying if he's ok and not being able to pick up the phone when I need him. All the sensing he's stressed or upset and not being able to do a thing about it. All the waiting and countdowns.... all the missing him and not having him there to hold me or play with or kiss passionately or hug, to enjoy and just be with, to laugh with or make fun of or cook for or share stories with... it's all almost over. I don't have to listen to the AAFES lady on the other end of the phone say "Thank you for serving our great country and letting aafes be apart of your life" "please enter your pin." No more 30 digit phone numbers. No more customs forms... although I'd imagine flat rate boxes are in my future. The sad & uncomfortable look people give you when they ask where your boyfriend is and you say "he's in Iraq"... I don't have to get that look anymore.

IED's, check points, COP's, FOB's, IA, terps, Baghdad, Baquoba, CHU's, tents, MWR's, "wish you were here" - not anymore - not for this girl, not for her man. Thank you for the "vacation" and the cultural experience, the chai was great I'm sure. We won't be needing any souvenirs, an NCO without bullet holes and all his parts will be just fine, thanks.

I will always remember this deployment. Not only for what it did for me, it allowed me to be strong and confident in uncharted territory for myself, it forced me to learn to be positive, learn to REALLY pray, and learn to be gracious, humble, and supportive in a way I have never known; but for what it did for us, and for him. We are a stronger couple because of this. Our faith in each other in unwavering. I think he's gotten some closure for himself that was still needed after his first deployment. He and I both look at life as such a blessing, and such an opportunity. Not only to have it... but to have it with each other. I look at pictures of the man in my mind and I can't help but smile. I am so proud of him and everything he's accomplished. I'm so excited about what the future holds for him, for us. I know he's going to be an amazing officer one day - but for the next four years, the Army is loaning him back to me ;) and that makes me just as excited.

He's still there, and he would be the first to remind you and me, not out of the dark yet. However, I can feel the grip loosen a little bit. When I look up at the stars out here at night I am reminded of how infinite the world is, and how big you can dream. I have no words to describe how thankful and how blessed I am for everything that has happened and not happened over the last year and a half.

Sgt. and I had a talk the other day and I didn't tell him this... but he told me that when he left for this deployment, he was convinced he was going to die. Not because he wanted to, but because I think he was surprised he hadn't during the first one. He and I were at a weird stage in our relationship when he left for Germany and eventually Iraq so "us" wasn't really something that affected his frame of mind much. He told me that over the course of this deployment he's had some angry conversations with God because things didn't go the way he thought they would... but now he's really glad they didn't. (Yeah, duh babe, me too.) He's so thankful and considers himself extremely blessed for all the things he's got going for him... but I think he's still a little surprised. Well, I didn't tell him this.... but I think I know why it wasn't his time. It's because of me. Not because I saved him, but because he saved me. Not because I kept him strong, but because he taught me what being strong was. Not because I love him and need him here (although that's true too) - but because loving him has given me a glimpse into myself and into the life I see and want in my future. My life isn't ready to be over, there are still a lot of things I've got to do, and whether he knows it yet or not, he is my sidekick. I don't want to do it without him. Now, I won't have to :).

We're so close now.... almost there honey.... you're coming home!

4 comments:

loquita

This was beautifully written, thank you for sharing it with us. I'm so happy your soldier is coming back home to be your sidekick again. *hugs*

(army)Wife

!!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and Sgt. that everything goes smoothly and he's home safe and sound before you know it :)

SidLovely

You are such a great writer, beautiful words. I love reading your posts...I really wish that I could write like that. Maybe if I practice more ;)
Seriously though I am SO happy for you guys, and knowing what you have made it through gives me hope in times when there is too much darkness. Keep writing...I love reading.

Jrzy Army Wife

I'm so happy for you that you both will be together super soon. Time is gonna go by so fast and before you know it.. he'll be home. yay!