Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving Eve (long)

First things first - I think I'll stick with this background for a little bit... at least through the weekend because I don't think it's horrible, and I don't want to keep messing with it. What do you think? I'm sorry if it looks like pink just vomited all over my blog.... it's supposed to be some kind of chic Christmas background.... whatever, I'm not exactly someone who would consider themselves "Chic" so...

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Sgt. gets in tonight!! I can't wait to see him, pick him up from the airport, actually have him here... there are some weeks and days I'm not sure how I made it over an entire year without seeing him, but then I guess a lot of things are born of necessity huh? I really am excited though... man, I miss him!

Never mind the fact that we were up until 2:30 this morning discussing and arguing. *sigh* - On all accounts we're doing better, we're trying hard at communicating more and giving each other the things we said we needed. Sometimes though I still feel off about things. Part of that has to do with the fact that lately (i.e. last couple months) I've grown into this very needy over analyzing person with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking all the blame here (and not that there's anyone to blame) - but I was trying to explain to him last night that the affirmation, the "reassurance" if that's what you want to call it, is really important to me. It's not about him proving he loves me, I know he loves me, but when the only part of him I have is phone calls, it's important to me that we can still connect, I can still feel in love, over the phone. I think what's hard for him is that it wasn't always this way, I used to not feel like I needed to hear those things all the time. If I texted him that I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow and he said "me too" - that was great! Now, I see that and I'm thinking "okay.... you could seem a little more excited?"

It's not something I like, and I realize that it's causing frustrating among us both, but as I was trying to explain last night, I'm still a little gun shy. Every time we get in an argument, or anytime I feel him becoming distant (even when I KNOW it's only due to stress or a busy day) I get this concern that "Is this going to be the time?" "Is this the argument where we say 'maybe getting back together was a bad idea" - I told him all this. His response was something to the affect of "well that seems more like an insecurity in the relationship babe and I don't know what to tell you about that, that's not something I can fix for you" - and he's partly right, it is an insecurity about our relationship because for so long I thought "this is it, and no matter what, we'll be together" and then bam the whole "break" speech comes along so, I think being a little shy about the whole thing kinda comes with the territory. He's also right that he can't fix it for me, but it's not something he can't help with. I hate that when we argue about stuff like this, it feels like it's my side vs. your side - it often comes across as though it's MY problem or HIS problem... and this is supposed to be about us, together.

Wha wha wha... see, I feel like a whiner, but my feelings are not ridiculous or unjustified. I love him, even at 2:30 in the morning I love him, even when he's pissed off about something and I'm only trying to help and he becomes frustrated, I love him - but often times I don't think he realizes that his tone of voice, or the WAY he asks or says something, sends a much stronger signal than what he's saying. It's not about hearing the "I miss you so much, you're so amazing" mushy stuff - although that's great too - it's about feeling valued and cherished, and not about feeling like an obligation. Part of it is that no matter how alike we are in a lot of ways, on this subject we have a hard time seeing the other's point of view.... both of us are stubborn and both of us think we're right (and we probably both are right in a lot of ways) so we come to a point where we don't know where to find the middle ground.

Do you ever just feel like you are very gumby-esq in your relationship, always very willing to evolve and adjust to the other persons wants and needs, but they're not nearly as willing to do the same?

Blah. Sorry, I didn't intend for this to become a rambling post about all that... but maybe I needed to get it out there and write about it. After reading all that, it would appear that things are not going well... and that's not the case, overall, like I said, they are. I feel better about where we are now than where we were before, because at least now we're talking about the issues. I also recognize his desire to make it better. He's a wonderful man, and he never intends to come across like a jerk, he loves me unconditionally, which some days is saying a wholeeee lot :), and I know that if I had the answer and told him, he would do it. But the thing is, I don't have the answer, I don't know what would make it better other than to be reassured to the point that I no longer need to be reassured. He put it well last night when he said that when we took a step back it retarded our relationship a bit. That we will get back to that point, but we've got to rebuild it there, and the more we try and force it back to where we know we're capable of, we're going to keep running into this wall. The more I worry about things going to crap again, the more I'm afraid it will become a self fulfilling prophecy, and that's not what I want. Nor, what he wants, as he repeated numerous times last night. I think maybe I need to learn to let go (he's got stuff to learn too but I'll focus on me for the moment) - this territory is very uncharted for me, and I'm not sure exactly where to begin... I know and believe he's worth it, I think it's just going to take a little longer than I'd like.

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Finally, in true Thanksgiving fashion: A list of things I'm most certainly thankful for this holiday season!

  • My faith. God has blessed my life more than I could ever imagine and I'm incredibly undeserving of it. He is my grace and my place to go when there's nowhere else to turn. I have absolutely no doubt that he is the reason I make it through a lot of days. Comfort in prayer late at night before I fall asleep is one of my favorite parts of my day.
  • My family. I have an incredible hodge podge of personalities in my family. We have not always had the best relationships, but we've grown a lot over the years. The past year has been a great healing for some of those and it's wonderful to finally feel reconnected. On top of that, I have the most wonderful and amazing siblings in the entire world. The one who is close in age is one of my best friends. He is brilliant and funny and has been my sidekick and partner in crime for almost twenty years. The second they brought him home from the hospital and laid him in front of me.... and I jumped on top of him.... I knew he could handle anything I threw at him (and often did). How we've grown from bickering pre-teens over who will unload the dishwasher to being one of the first people the other one calls when they really need a friend, is amazing. My little brother will always be my big protector. The others are much younger, there is over a decade between us, and that makes our relationship all the more special. It is wonderful to watch them grow, although often times I wish they would stop, and sometimes my heart longs to shield them from the experiences I know they will soon encounter, first heartbreak, first rebellion, first time they come to the conclusion that life is not fair. In many ways I helped raise them when I was still at home (but that's a much different story for a different day) and I miss them dearly, but if the welcome they give me when I see them for the first time in a while is any indication... they haven't gotten quite bored with their big sister just yet, so I'm thankful that I still have some time ;).
  • Sgt. - it's quite something for someone to often know you better than you know yourself. There have been a lot of times when I'm not exactly sure what I'm thinking and sure enough... if I ask him we can usually figure it out together :). Through everything we've been through, good and bad, I would never trade it in exchange for a different life, or a different person, or even a different journey. I know there are times we but-heads but with the two of us, I can't really imagine how we wouldn't. If our time together has shown me anything it is that one person can make you feel invincible if they're standing by your side. One person can make the worry and stress of a deployment melt away for a few moments with just one hug. One person can make you want to throw your phone across the room at the exact moment that all you really want to do is hold them. One person can say "I love you, and I have always loved you... even before I realized I loved you, the more I try and think back to when it first was, the further back I keep going" in a way that replays in your mind as if it was the first time all the time. One person can squeeze your hand in the car without saying a word and still give you butterflies. One person can inspire you to become more of the person you're supposed to be. One person can calm your fears over nearly anything, whether it be turning out like your mother, or conquering a centipede. One person can blast the good songs in the car and sing along with you in the dorkiest way without the slightest hint of judgement. One person can love you with all they have every day, even on the bad days. And that person for me, is him. I should really give him more credit than I do.
  • My friends are some of the most amazing women in the entire world - and no other words could do them justice. What we lack in ourselves we find in each other. Where there is an alternate life we'd like to explore, we live through one another. Where there is wine to be consumed.... we are close by :) I love them wholly and completely. A blessing is merely a glimpse of what they have all been for me.
  • Sgt.'s family - they have become my surrogates :). Funny, opinionated, strong, and most importantly, welcoming are just a few of the good things I can say about them. When I met them in an airport terminal a couple years ago I wouldn't have ever guessed we'd be where we are today, but I'm incredibly grateful. They are not just my boyfriends family, they have become my family even apart from him.
  • Coffeeeeeeee - oh, how you get me through the mornings.
  • Burts bees chapstick - please don't ever stop being produced... please, I might die a horrible and painful chapped lipped death. The minty tingle and subtle gloss you give to my lips is the closest thing I have to a great kiss most of the days :).
  • My job - When I came here a few years ago everyone always talked about it as though it were their escape... their place to get away from it all. For me, it was like coming home. Can't beat that. :) I look out the window from my desk and see a river glowing with orange cedar trees. In the summer the constant sound of children's laughter surrounds me, and a friendly face is never hard to find. This place has become a part of me and I can't imagine where I would be without it.
  • Everything else that gets me through the days :). For all the important "L's" - Life, Laughter, Learning, and most certainly Love (for everything) - I'm very thankful!

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Happy eating, football, & parade watching! Be safe traveling, if you are, and take lots of pictures!

(T-minus 8 hours till I get to wrap my arms around my favorite person :) )

2 comments:

Lindsay

Great post.

And don't worry about the hiccups that occur. We all have them. But you two are communicating THAT is progress!

indiana.girl

I feel like gumby in my relationships a lot. And we just got over a major argument and afterward the same thing happened; the wondering if this tone of voice or that little comment might suddenly mean something more, you know, just a little more insecure than normal. Hang in there! And great thanksgiving list!