Monday, October 13, 2008

Confused.

I'm just very confused.

I'm sitting here, still in this house, still in his room. He's at the waffle house with his best friend right now (whom is also who he lives with), which is a tradition of theirs. Which isn't a big deal, I have traditions with my friends too so no big deal, enjoy the waffle house! What I do have a little bit of an issue with, is the way he approached it:

"We're going to the waffle house tonight"
"Ok, sounds good"
"Tanker and I"
"ooohh... haha ok"

Inconsiderate much? But hey, maybe I'm just reading too much into it, I tend to do that. That was around 5pm. Did I mention Tanker has a 6 year old daughter? Apparently she's not going either. I was thinking to myself all afternoon "I wonder who's going to watch the daughter?" Don't get me wrong... I'm an intelligent woman, I KNEW who was going to be watching her, but I didn't say anything. Decided to wait this one out. So, we went to Kroger to get stuff to make peach cobbler (which is another story entirely) and I let the daughter help me make cobbler, which was nice, she's a sweet girl. The boys sat on the couch and watched a movie, we joined in for a little bit. The movie ended and it was time for the daughter to go to bed. Sgt. and Tanker walk outside to visit or smoke or do whatever guys do on the porch and I'm cleaning up dishes. Sgt. walks back inside about 10 min. till their departure time and says

"Hey babe, would you mind doing me a big favor?"
"what's that?"
"Would you mind watching Daughter while we go to the waffle house?"

"ha, no, I don't mind"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"what's wrong"
"nothing honey"
"Bullshit"

(he's on to me... what a smart guy *rolls eyes*)
"haha, nothing. Thank you for asking"
"Is this something we're going to talk about later?"
"lol no honey. It's fine, she's going to bed anyway."
"ok"

Now, all this is mostly true. It is fine, and I AM glad he asked. But, the considerate thing to do would have been earlier today, when he walked into the room with his "Uh, I'm GOING to the waffle house and YOU'RE not" comment, to politely ask, "would you mind watching her this evening if you don't have plans?" Waiting till 10 minutes until, even if you KNOW I'm going to say yes, is like I said, inconsiderate. Right?

*SCREAM*

I'm sorry. I really am, but I have to vent here for a moment. THINGS WERE GREAT TODAY!

Last night, we went to a friend of ours for dinner. A friend who is technically Sgt's friend, but he's mine now too, and I would consider his wife one as well. A friend who is very PRO Sgt. and KJ's relationship. Before this dinner, all day, it sort of felt like I was just... in the way. We haven't fought sense the big fight, and we talked it all out, but something is still missing and it's breaking my heart. I feel like he's TRYING so HARD to love me. Like every kiss on the cheek or hug requires so much thought and effort. Yes, I agree, you make a point to do those things, and relationships take work, I know... but before it seemed so effortless for him, like he ENJOYED doing those things... now it doesn't. I thought about it and brought it up.

"Do I still make you happy?" I asked
"Huh?"
"I just feel like I don't make you as happy as I used to... like loving me takes so much work"
"Loving you is incredibly easy honey." And that was sort of that.

We got through dinner and everything and it was fine. But on the ride home is was... GOOD... GREAT even! No joke, I went to bed last night pretty much ecstatic... whatever we've been missing was THERE and I was so happy! This morning, all morning, it was there. Things were good. No, things were GREAT.... and then I went on a job interview, and came home, and things were GREAT. And then he bursts into the room an hour later about the waffle house and I want to punch him in the damn face!

I got less than 24 hours with the former "us" that I have missed so much and it hurts.

I don't know what else to try.... "Don't try so hard" he says... ok... so.... don't try? I'm confused. I am seriously, RIGHT NOW, considering getting a hotel for a couple nights.... I feel so unwanted here. I feel like I get an hour of the man I am so in love with and the rest of the time I get this guy who is trying like hell to be distant and arrogant. Until I came here to TN I never once questioned if Sgt. would fight for me, if he would take care of me, if he wanted me.. and now I'm not so sure.

AND IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE FREAKING WEEK.

What is happening to us? I don't understand... I don't get what all this is. Why can't I hold your hand when we're around the other house mates? Because it confuses the daughter since Daddy isn't married and doesn't have a girlfriend around? Uh well, then explain to me how she knows that "Husbands and wives kiss, so we should too" As we're playing gender specific barbies the other night. She's a child, she's not an idiot. And I'm not trying to seduce you, I'm giving you a warm touch of endearment. Because it makes Tanker uncomfortable? Again, not trying to tongue wrestle you in the kitchen, I just wanted to rub your back for two seconds. No, I don't care if you're going to the waffle house with your bff, but you walk out the door and don't even tell me goodbye? You don't even come over to me and give me a kiss and say "be back soon." Nothing? Who are you? You can feed me this whole "Well this is me, I told you from the beginning I was hard to deal with" line all day honey.... Not biting. You ARE hard to deal with... that is something I've known and been aware of and DEALT with for our entire relationship... THIS is just.... heartbreaking.

I need something. I need.... time or space but I don't want that. I need him to tell me whats wrong. I need him to hold me and love me, but I don't want that either, not from Mr. crappy attitude I could take it or leave it if you're here. I'm not PMSing. I'm..... lost. I'm so lost, I feel the breakup speech lurking around the corner, and I feel almost like I'm hiding from it! I'm so lost, I don't even know if we'll make it to our anniversary and it's a week and a half away.

How did we go from this to this?

How do I make it stop?

Honey, I love you, but you're HURTING ME.... STOP!

4 comments:

Lindsay

KJ keep reminding yourself that you are both adjusting. Adjusting to life without the Army dictating every second of your communication.

I hate to use *R* and I as an example...AGAIN! lol. But he had serious PTSD issues when he came home, but they didn't surface for 3 months. I'm not saying that is Sgt.'s issue, but keep in mind that re-integration is not something that happens within a few weeks or even months. It took *R* 6 months and hitting rock bottom before he realized he needed help. We even broke up for a whole 30 minutes. NOTHING is perfect. EVERYTHING takes work. I have faith in the two of you. But YOU have to have the faith as well.

Email me if you need anything, I'm here to help!
Linds52584@yahoo.com

AFG

I'm sorry you're going through this. All I can offer is my personal experience... I should've gotten my own apartment. Our relationship could've been saved if I had done that from the beginning.

S.Lovely

KJ,
I wish I could give you some profound advice...but I want you to know that I'm feeling the exact same way. Some of the same distant-inconsiderate things have been happening between my boyfriend and I. I feel like I'm going crazy, but it helps to know that you are going through the same thing. Things will get better, re-adjustment takes time.
Hang in there.

(army)Wife

I completely agree with lindsay. When Stonewall came back from his first deployment things were really hard. He had some serious PTSD problems and I had no idea how to deal with it and neither did he. One minute he was the Stonewall I fell in love with and then next he was the guy that I didn't recognize and couldn't figure out how to help. I learned that even when it seemed that Stonewall couldn't stand having me around, he couldn't stand having me leave even more. You two will get through this.