Shades of gray

It started out with Grey's Anatomy and somehow ended in a gray area.

I guess out of all the talks we've had over the last couple of weeks, last night could be considered "The Talk." We were sitting on the couch watching Grey's... Sgt. got home late last night, Thursdays are his long days with school so I didn't see him until around 7:30 yesterday. When he came in we said hi... things had been a little bit better over the last couple days so I wasn't really expecting a talk last night but you know what they say about the unexpected.

At first, during a commercial he said that we should talk about the job situation thing. Since I took the month off of my regular job to come to Tennessee, I wasn't getting paid for this month, so the idea was that I had to at least find a part time job while here in Tennessee. That proved harder than expected and after applying nearly EVERYWHERE.... not kidding, even the Dollar Tree, still nothing. He was telling me that if I felt like I needed to go back for work, to at least get a couple of weeks worth of guaranteed pay out of the month, that he would change his plane ticket so that he could ride down with me this weekend, if that's what I wanted to do.

I thought for a moment when he mentioned it. It's strange because it was a thought I considered but I just kept justifying it with the leaving now would be a bad thing for us, at at the moment that was more important. I was quiet for a moment and said "Are you ready for me to go home?" he hesitated before he answered and that was all I needed to hear. I got up to walk back into the living room and he said "Baby, please don't walk away, I'm just thinking, I don't know." So I turned around. We started to talk again. It's not about him not wanting me here, it is about him feeling guilty about me sacrificing my job for a month to be here, and him not being able to be "there" with me in all this.

I cried. I cried a lot. The kind of cries where the words just start coming out really fast before you have to take your next deep breath. I held it together ok in the beginning, because in all honesty, I just felt it coming. I think you always know... or at least in my case, I always know, as much as I'd like to deny it. He said something along the lines of "We have the rest of our lives to be together, right?" and I said "That's what I thought" and that's when I lost it. He took my hands in his and just said "I know, I'm sorry." I could tell he wanted to make the pain go away. It's a strange feeling being where I am. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me, and I believe him when he says he loves me, and that he could never love anyone like he loves me. Maybe all of that is just me being in denial... but I can't and won't try to justify what I believe or why I believe it. For now... it's all I have.

"I just don't know how to be in a serious relationship right now. And I don't want to break up, I just think we need to take a step back" "I don't do breaks Sgt., because they hurt, and they suck, and there's too much gray area.... you never know for sure" "Please, just trust me. I don't know how else to tell you it's not your fault and there's nothing you could've done and nothing you did... I just need to grow up." "But I don't understand, why does this have to be something we have to do alone? Why can't you lean on me, or let me be there for you? Why do you have to be so damn stubborn and just want to do it your way?" "I know... but before I can lean on you the way I want to, and the way you want me to, I have to learn to stand on my own."

I told him it wasn't fair. That he already got to push me away once, and that I would give him whatever space and time he needed because I love him and I don't know any other way to do that, but that it wasn't fair. He understood and apologized, but he had no concrete answers for me as to what exactly was wrong, and what exactly would fix it.

So... I'm going back to Texas. We're leaving tomorrow. Yes, we. He's going to make the drive back with me and then fly home on Sunday. The trip will give us a chance to talk about what all this break will entail and to say our "Goodbye's." He was sad last night as we talked about what time we needed to leave and about me packing... which made me feel a little better. We were planning on going to Vermont over Christmas so I could meet the last of his family. He asked me if I would still go with him, no matter what our status is in December, he said that he is still going to love me and care about me, and that even if we are only going as friends, he still wants me to meet his family, and to see Vermont at Christmas time. I agreed. As I think about it now, I'm still excited, but if something does happen, and for some reason I'm too heartbroken or too torn to do that, I will just pay him for my ticket and use it as an opportunity to visit a good friend in Maine.

He says that it will all be ok. That he'll figure it out and then we'll be ok and things will be right again. God, I hope he's right.

I just don't understand. I've tried a million ways to justify it, and I know everyones different and every situation is different, but I don't understand how everything went downhill so quickly. Two months ago we were more in love than we'd ever been. We had the world at our feet. We had plans, and dreams, and each other. Now I don't have any of it.

I want to believe him so bad. It's such a strange place to be... I am in a world of pain, heartbreak sucks, no matter who it comes from... but on a weird level, I actually believe that we'll be together. That there is nothing else but that. That no matter what we go through now, eventually, we'll end up together. I believe him when he says he loves me "to infinity and beyond" and I also believe that we can NOT keep going on like we are right now.... I just wish there was another answer.

Neither of us slept much or very well last night. I got up at 5:30 this morning to make muffins. I bake when I'm stressed out... so I made muffins. I also wanted to make breakfast for us one more time. So we'll have tonight, the drive tomorrow and Sunday morning. The rest of the future is quite gray. I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks or months. I don't know if he's letting me down gently or if he really wants to get his head on straight and then come back for me. I don't know if I will be able to take it all a second time.

What I do know, and what I told him, is I will take his cues. Because this is a lot of him... since I'm obviously not a fan of the idea and because I refuse to be "that girl" who is constantly calling and crying about how I miss him, I won't call him and I won't text him probably much if at all at first. That if he reaches out to talk, I will be there, but I can't beat myself up every day getting rejected. I just wish there was something else.

I suppose I have some crying and packing to do. Expect some not so upbeat post these next few weeks... sorry folks. On the plus side, there will probably be a lot of baking, so if anyone is in the market for some cobbler, or cupcakes, or muffins (all of which I've baked whilst here) -let me know.

The weather is quite overcast, which I guess is appropriate. Didn't quite make it to that anniversary either. This morning he asked me if I was going to be ok, I smiled a little and said "yeah, I'll be fine" he made some joke about trying to get me to hate him before Sunday so at least that way he wasn't hurting me and then paused and asked again, "so you're going to be ok?" "ha, what other choice do I have?"

I'll be ok, just not today.