Manic Monday

Well, after that downer of a post on Saturday, I headed into town to the bookstore (again) and stopped off at Starbucks to try one of their new signature hot chocolates! I give the salted caramel hot chocolate 4 1/2 stars!

A little bit later on I met up with Sgt.'s cousins and we went out to the house to visit, play scrabble, relax and eat. Good times, good company, it pretty much made up for the earlier portion of the day and even though we did get around to talking about Sgt., for much of the evening we tried to avoid it. She did tell me that he had a rough night on Friday, and ended up dancing alone rather drunk at a Coyote Ugly in downtown Nashville. I'm indifferent to the fact. I'm glad he went out with some of his friends.... I'm half glad that he's not taking this well... and half sad that he had to get wasted and then dance (the man doesn't dance... ever). My question was "Well, why was he dancing alone?" - I'm all for missing me but he's a good looking guy, he could've surely found someone to sway with - "I don't think he WANTED to dance with anyone else... besides he was trashed." Fair enough answer I suppose. Even still, I return to the "If it sucks this bad then why are you doing it!" statement

Sunday was a bit of a different story. I guess it all sort of caught up to me being the one week mark. I couldn't get the images of the day out of my dang head. I just kept hearing it all... seeing it all. From waking up next to him that morning to watching him blow me a kiss and walk into the terminal they wouldn't go away. My face was leaking (ok, I was crying) pretty much the entire morning and then I slept through the afternoon. Around 4:30 I woke up (again, out at Sgt.'s families house for supper) and visited with some people who were over. I was ok then... not great, but ok. At least I wasn't crying anymore. Sgt. called a little bit later (I can always tell when it's him on the phone) and I tried to stay out of ear shot... even though I would've loved to hear the conversation, I realize it's not my place or what I need. I did however hear her say (while she was walking around.... like I said, tried to avoid it) "You should call her" "I know, but trust me, she wants you to call" Which is mostly true. Like I said before... I implemented the two weeks but it would show a little bit of selflessness in swallowing some of his pride by calling sooner. Of course that's only in the event where there would be good news. If the news is bad I could just as soon wait another week to hear it. I do miss talking to him though.

Which brings me to my final topic (I guess topic?) - our mutual friend A.D. spent the weekend with Sgt. and he also tends to e-mail me while I'm at work. He e-mailed me this morning and although we agreed to leave Sgt. out of the talk, he still likes to throw in a comment here and there. In short he told me that he has absolutely no doubt that Sgt. loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But that for most of his adult life, he's been told what to do, where to do it, and how to do it, and he doesn't really know how to make his own decisions. Least of which, who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. That in essence, he needs to grow up, and get some of that young rambunctious kid out of him. That being a friend to him, tough as it might be, will allow me to still be close to him and maybe learn a different side of him while he's going through it, but not force me to be strung along by someone who is having a hard time even knowing who he is at the moment.

Ok. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in at the moment... and I know he may read this... so my disclaimer is I love him more than anything, but my heart is a little on the defensive right now. Bear with me, and forgive any snarky tone, please.

Point 1. Sgt, is being selfish. Sorry, but it's true. I realize that he never got to be the young college kid, with no cares and doing as he pleases, but that's the way life worked out buddy. I completely, 100% AGREE that he needs to learn to make his own decisions, and that he needs to ENJOY his time out of the Army, and his time in college, but thinking that doing that means living out wild weekends with 18 year old college freshman makes you sound ridiculous. And pushing away someone you claim to love, because you're afraid you're missing out on something that amounts to nothing more than a couple of "remember that time" stories is SELFISH. Sorry, but you're not doing me any favors, regardless if that's what you tell yourself to sleep at night. He's afraid of loosing me? Well, he's choosing every day not to be with me. And if you're afraid of loosing someone, you 1. don't allow someone else the opportunity to take your spot and 2. if there ARE issues that are affecting the relationship, you work your butt off to figure them out and fix them quick so that you're not loosing someone.

Point 2. If he's not ready to make that commitment (engagement), it's not a deal breaker. I never even brought up the thought of engagements and marriage, until he did. He's the one that pushed the issue so much and I went with it because of course I love him and of course I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Those are still true, but I love him enough to meet him where he is... and if that's not married right now then that's ok... I'm not at the point where I feel like we have to be married. YES being told that you don't after you said you did, hurts, but when that happened I need him to stick around. To hang in there. I stuck around when it was hard. When our relationship was maintained on prayer, and sporadic phone calls and short e-mails and IM conversations. I hung in there when he was in "soldier mode" and gave him and his love the benefit of the doubt. I stayed strong and believed in us. Now, he's walking away when it gets difficult, when there is a lot going on? Why?

Point 3. If he decides that what he needs right now (and frankly, the more I think, pray, and talk to other people about it, the more I believe we're heading in this direction. No matter how much I hate it) is to not be with me, I can respect that. Does it mean I want to cut him out of my life? No, not at all. I love him more than anything and even hate the fact NOW that we're not talking... but I can't be his friend. Not right now. In time, yes. How much time, I don't know, but I believe it's a place we can get to, just not right now. Because, I am in love with him, and talking on the phone and then hanging up without getting to tell him how much I love him and miss him physically and emotionally hurts. Because hearing him tell me about dates he's going on and asking about girls he's interested in or hangs out with is not possible without being jealous or self-doubting right now. Because I can't tell him about people I'm seeing without wanting him to feel like an idiot for letting me go. I can't be his friend right now because I don't WANT to be just his friend right now.

I miss him. I want to talk to him. But I am also angry at him today. He needs to understand that he WILL lose me. Because if on Monday, that's where we end up, I will begin to do other things. I will try and see other people, and I will jump at the first chance I see at being in love again (even though, I'm not sure if that's possible anytime soon). And the longer he waits, and the longer he feels like getting out some young rowdy kid inside him, the more I feel like not fighting for us. I'm tired of being the only one fighting.

--

In other news, I am meeting up with Lindsay from And We'll Just Laugh Along the Way for dinner and some shopping this evening and I can't wait! Have a great day everyone!