Saturday, October 25, 2008

Only twice?

Well, it's been a pretty slow morning. Despite my efforts to stay busy, after cleaning and showering and curling my hair (because it takes a while and I wasn't doing anything else) and reading some of a book... I'm out of things for the time being so I figured instead of wallowing I'd blog.

Last night was good. Went to the local high school football game and watched Sgt's cousin experience her last home football game as a high school student. Oh senior year of high school. Everyone was there, all his cousins and aunt and uncle and close family friends, and of course I've become close to them as well so it wasn't awkward. For the first time no one asked "how are you doing?" in that way that means "How are you dealing with have your heart ripped out by that guy we love?" So I was thankful for that.

When I woke up this morning I was already bummed. Saturdays he would always get up before me and if we were apart, he would always send me a text message around my usual wake up time. "Good morning beautiful!" and this morning it didn't come.

I miss him.

I've been wondering a lot lately if you only get two love's in your life. Your first love, and the love of your life. You often don't hear anyone describe anyone else... you never hear about the "middle love" or the "third love" usually when people are thinking back or reminiscing about a memory of a love, lost or not, it's always "He was my first love" or "He was the love of my life."

I can't decide if this line of thinking gives me hope or makes me more miserable.

You see, I've had my first love. *J* - (Sgt. is also a J name... I must have a thing for them). *J* was my high school sweetheart. Took me to prom my freshman year of high school and we never looked back until my freshman year of college. We had grown up, and eventually grew apart. Nothing huge or dramatic, although I'd never experienced a heartbreak like that before in my life, but fact was, we were just different people now. We had a lot of good memories, and he will forever be a part of that time in my life. I loved him, for a long time he was the one person I never felt like I had to hold on my shoulders, as I did with most of the people in my life. With *J* I learned how to be taken care of. However, I learned most about myself the year and a half following our break up. I don't think at the time we broke up, I would've ever had the courage to do it, we had been together so long I didn't really think of us not being together as an option, but after we broke it off, I learned how to take care of myself. To not NEED to be taken care of by someone else... and I got to put myself first for a while. Of course, as the story goes, he came back, eventually after he'd found out I was seeing someone else, and after that short romance ended, I decided to give him another chance. A week later I realized my heart wasn't in it anymore and we broke it off for good. *J* and I are still friends. We talk maybe only a couple of times a year, but there's no bitterness between us. He was my first love, and although, I don't "hold a place in my heart" for him, like a lot of people claim to, I look back on that time in my life fondly, and with no regrets.

I dated a few guys between *J* and Sgt. They ranged in the span from just someone I dated, or went on a few dates with to a few boyfriends who lasted a few months. Some of them were good guys, and people I enjoyed spending time with. Others were horrible to me, and only hardened my heart away from relationships all together. Overall though, they all would've never measured up to more than someone just passing through, or someone I was just passing over. When Sgt. showed up, I expected him to just fall into this category the way the others had but there we were, saying goodbye one day for a PCS to Germany after only a few months of dating and I couldn't think of anything other than how I didn't want him to go. I was already falling in love with the man and as much as I tried to push the feelings aside, there they were, plain as day. When he left, I tried to date other guys, but he was it, all I wanted and from then on no one else ever even came close. Germany was tough, and even though he told me that he couldn't be in a relationship at the time, in a foreign country, not sure the next time we'd see each other, about to deploy, I never gave up hope. I kept it to myself mostly, but I always felt deep down like we would be together.

Little did I know a stubborn Sgt. who had tried to convince himself this girl was just some girl, never stopped carrying my picture while stationed in Germany. And when a young LT. asked him who she was and Sgt. gave the standard answer of "she's just a girl" the LT who knew the look all too well, pointedly asked Sgt. when we'd be getting married. When he deployed for his second tour, he began to allow himself to talk openly about me to his buddies. During one such conversation his friend looked at him and said "Dude, you're an asshole" and a couple days later he was making a speech to me about not being able to give me everything but if I was willing to hang in there, he would sure try.

I played a little hard to get but the fact of the matter was I was hooked from the moment he took my hand while walking me back to the car on our first date. There was no one else but him, and there was nothing else but us.

Not a day went by where I didn't feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world just by being able to call him mine. Sure there were hard times, and trying to thrive in a relationship during a deployment isn't the easiest thing we'd ever done but we hung in there, because we loved each other, and that was enough of a reason. I sought out every day a way to make him smile or to feel wanted, missed, and loved. Anytime we got to talk or message each other I felt like the only person in the world that mattered. He made me feel ALIVE. Energized, like I could do anything and he would be there to cheer me on. I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to know how much I respected him and cared for him. He used to tell me that I gave him the perfect day, and that no matter what happened in his life from that moment on, I would always be the woman who gave him something he never thought he could have. He used to tell me how blessed he was to have me in his life, how he was daily baffled at the fact I was really there. He told me that I would never realize how much I had taught him about love, and life. We loved each other with a fire, with a purpose, and unconditionally.

I still do, which is what makes this so hard, and so unbearable. What do you do when the one person who's love could literally CARRY you, is gone? I know I can't see into the future, but if we end up over, and move on about our lives, I don't see how it would ever be possible to find this again.

Sgt. is without a doubt, the great love of my life. Loving him brought me to life, made me realize what I wanted for myself, on a daily basis made me want to strive for more. Loving him turned the simplest word or act of kindness into a breath of fresh air for my heart, and soul. Just getting to see him smile was enough to wake up in the morning. Now what? What if there's only two? What if there's only your first love, and the love of your life, and the love of your life never comes back? What do you do then? Settle, I suppose.

God, this hurts. I miss him so so so so much.

2 comments:

Sara

People may not talk about the in-betweens, or maybe they thought they knew their greatest love until they really met their greatest love. I think the greatest love makes all the others seem like flings. In other words, don't worry about just finding two. Maybe Sgt is the greatest love and you only needed 2 to get there. But if you can't put the pieces back together when all of this is said and done, just know that if you are capable of giving love you'll recieve love too. Take care of yourself. One more week till you guys get to talk things out again

Lindsay

Short and sweet. I totally agree with Sara.

In other news, I'm so excited for tonight! I need a drink already too!