Friday, October 24, 2008

Thoughts throughout the day

Well things are going ok. Made it through the entire work week which is pretty impressive in my case... especially as badly as I've wanted to contact him.

Still not sleeping well at night at all, but I've managed to attempt to start sleeping in my bed again. Last night was the first night and it took me a while to fall asleep, and then I continued to wake up every 30 min. or so for a while. Finally got a few hours in. I think with time I'll just get used to it, and be able to sleep again.

During the day I've been doing ok. Yesterday I was actually in a great mood when I woke up!! Throughout the whole morning and early afternoon I felt like my old self and then memory came out of nowhere and I went back to feeling bummed again. Evening was ok, I went to the bookstore to read and take my mind somewhere else for a few hours. Trying to keep my schedule busy because the less down time I have the less I dwell on it all. (and the less I re-read old e-mails and text messages and go through old pictures)

Still miss him a lot. This morning his cousin sent me a message saying he was miserable and my reply was "GOOD! That makes two of us, which is why this is STUPID" She said she wasn't sure how not communicating would make it better and I told her I agreed, but the man asked for a break so that's what he got. She said we were both being stubborn and I told her that it was my turn to be. As much as I'd like to run and fix it... it's not my job. Not yet. I agree, there are things we can both work on to strengthen our relationship and I am nowhere near perfect, there are definitely things I can do better... but the fact that we are not together right now, is not my choosing. I didn't need a break, or space. I needed HIM, and instead he walked away. I realize it almost sounds childish (maybe it even DOES sound childish) but, I'm not going first. Won't do it. If anything, just the simple fact that he would have to swallow a little bit of his pride in order to apologize and "come back" (it's the only term I can think of at the moment) - would at least show that he is willing to not just think about himself.

Even still... memories of him are everywhere. They are ingrained into everything. I can hardly look around or say something without relating it to a memory of us or of him. Every day when I walk home, straight past my apartment is a little chapel that is my favorite place here, and we had a picnic there while he was home on leave. I see it every day. When I went to eat with a friend on what would have been our anniversary, I automatically sat with my back to the door, because anytime Sgt. and I go eat, he doesn't like to sit with his back to the door, so I do. We took a picture here, he first told me he loved me here, this is the last place he kissed me before he said goodbye. The man is everywhere and I can't avoid it! Truth is... I don't know if I'd want to, it's the only part of him I have right now.

Aside from laundry, this weekend is already pretty much full speed ahead. Every day DOES get a little better... of course anything would be better than that first day. It'll all be just fine though! The silver lining is just that.... one way or another, it'll all be ok :).

3 comments:

d.a.r.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting. I have been reading, and my heart is breaking for you two. It's obvious you two are very much in love, and I hope that this time will give him everything he needs (a swift kick in the butt?) to sort his life out so you two can start working on things together.

Please know I am thinking of you...

J.L.S.

I have been reading your story... and I have been at a loss for words. I feel your pain every time I read your posts. I also felt your joy every time you would write about Sgt in the past. I really have faith that things are going to work out between you two. I know that may not be very reassuring from a complete stranger, but I could really feel the love when you would write about him and your time with him.

I am sending you love and praying for strength for you as you feel your way through this situation. I'm glad things seem to be getting a little easier with time. Just remember... you made it through the first week... that's huge! :)

S.Lovely

"but the fact that we are not together right now, is not my choosing. I didn't need a break, or space. I needed HIM, and instead he walked away."

That sentence does not sound childish at all, it sounds completely dead on and truthful.

I'm glad that hear that things are okay. You are so strong and I commend you for giving the man a taste of "what he wanted"

Keep your head up.