Blog Letters I

Well, weak moment number 1. Here it is. I want to call him so bad. Don't worry, I'm not, but I want to. I want to hear his voice, ask how he's doing, and hear him say that this is the worst damn idea he's ever had.... I'd settle for just hearing his voice.

This just HURTS. I hate it.

I decided that in my moments of weakness, much like I did while he was deployed, I would write him a blog letter. It prevents me from saying these things to him, but it's still a good way to get my thoughts out there. Here's the tricky part... Sgt. knows about the blog now. If he thought about it or wanted to, he could easily come straight here and see how I'm doing. Do I think he is? No, probably not.... and not because I don't think he cares how I'm doing, but more because I don't think he thinks about the blog often, if at all... so I'm still thinking it's a safe place to share these thoughts... and maybe, if he is that concerned, if he does care that much, then he'll know how I feel without me having to tell him.

Here goes nothing

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Dear Sgt.,

Happy Anniversary. Not exactly how we thought we'd be spending it huh? Well, maybe that's just me, but I like to think that this all wasn't the end goal. How are you doing? I know you have a PT test tomorrow morning, so good luck!

God, I miss you. I can't sleep in my bed at night cause all I can think about is the last night and day we spent together. I keep seeing you there, with my head on your chest, and it just hurts. So I've been occupying the chair a lot. Monday and Tuesday I took off work, mostly to hide, and it worked out pretty well. I slept a lot and watched movies. Today has been harder than the others. People keep giving me that sad "I'm so sorry" look and I hate it. They all want an explanation but I don't have one to give. I suppose I could make this all about you, tell them that you're a jerk and I have no clue whats going on in your head, but it's not that simple. Sometimes things aren't that black and white. Part of it's true, I still don't know exactly what happened and I keep trying to think about where we could've done better, or where things turned. I just want you to be happy, and ok. Whatever you're dealing with or going through I wish I could take it on myself. I'm sorry that I made it harder, not easier. I hate that.

I told you that facebook made it more dramatic huh? I know you said you weren't going to change the relationship status stuff when we joked about it, and that you would let me do it if I wanted to. I'm sorry. I just kept looking at it and part of me was scared that you would change it first so I went ahead and did it. That stupid broken heart mini feed is just taunting isn't it? You know you can hide it, if you wanted to... like I did. Maybe I'm saying that more for myself. I hate logging in and looking at it with your name next to it.

I wish you were here, or that we were talking. I wonder a lot if you get the urge to call or text at all. I talked to AD today and he said he was taking you to Knoxville on Saturday. I refrained from asking anything... it was hard, but I made it. Part of me wants to just e-mail you and say "ok, enough, this is ridiculous, it's US... you and me, and we should not be doing this. Yes, agreed, we are at a rough patch, but this is stupid... we're supposed to be together and I love you, and you love me so with at least that we should be able to figure out something else." But then I stop myself. It's not my turn. As selfish as that sounds.... I've done all I can to show you how much I love you, care about you, support you, and want you. If you don't see that now, or if that is not what matters, then nothing I say will change your mind. You said you needed time, and so I can give you that.

Just don't be stupid. Please. Don't wait too long. Hell, even these two weeks. I know it was my stipulation, but you know me, can you imagine the romantic undertones of just not being able to wait that long? I'm just saying ;). The truth is, I'm scared. I can already feel myself questioning if you coming back is what I want or need. I love you, more than anything, there is no doubt, but looking back on the things you said, it is both scary and heartbreaking to believe that either A. you were lying or B. your feelings could change that quickly and easily. I know, you say neither, that you weren't lying and it's not that your feelings changed but be honest. If you wanted to be with me, if you meant it when you said "If I have YOU my life is full" "I am so blessed to call you mine" if you still felt that way, then this would not be happening. And if all of that was just an easy let down, if the time, and the growing up, and the I'll come back for you's were all just an easy way of letting me go... do me the biggest favor you've ever done and tell me that it's done. You are interested in seeing what else is out there, you don't think I'm the one... whatever painful situation it is, if that's it, please, love me enough to let me know.

I miss you so much... it's so strange how I miss even just updating you on my day, the simple things. God, I love you. I love you more than I can even explain or probably realize. It's so weird because you would think that not having you in my life would just make me incredibly sad... and it does, to a degree, but mostly it just makes me empty and numb. Like I just exist, but don't really live. You said to me once that as long as we choose each other every day... we'll make it. That every day it's a choice. When did we stop choosing each other? Or did one day we forget? Well incase I forgot, I choose you, I miss you, and I love you. Please take care of yourself.

All my love,
KJ