Monday, October 20, 2008

Highways and Broken Hearts

Well, home now... I guess if there is a good thing in all this it's that sometimes you CAN go home again.

Was anyone else really dreading the drive down as much as I was? I mean c'mon... who wants to sit in a car for 1000 miles with the person who is going to dump you within the next 24 hours? And I'm not even a glutton for punishment!!

The first couple of hours sucked, I was sad and he didn't know what to say. Then... for some reason, for whatever reason, maybe that it's exactly what we needed, things took a turn for the better. The great. So great, that if things had been exactly like that drive for the last three weeks, I wouldn't be sitting here with a bottle of red wine in the candle light listening to sad songs. Don't worry, I AM drinking it out of the glass, I just can't be bothered with having to get up to pour more, so the bottle is accompanying me as well.

We talked about everything, we laughed, we kissed each others hands, we repeated "I love you's" over and over and over again. We discussed our issues, and our relationship. We talked about things that had nothing to do with our relationship. We actually took a 40 min. detour (read: lost) because we missed our exit since we were so wrapped up in each other at the time.

We left Tennessee at around 5am and didn't get to my apartment until about 11:30 that night. We took a shower and went to bed. We woke up early, around 7, so that we wouldn't sleep away our last few hours together. He made me coffee and we just enjoyed one another.

We left for the airport and the drive down was pretty quiet. We listened to the newest Staind CD... which could probably be considered a form of emotional cutting in that situation, but we listened anyway. We held hands and did our secret "I love you" squeezes. When we arrived at the airport we parked in the garage and then walked inside to get his boarding pass. The whole time I was singing my ABC's in my head to avoid crying. "God this hurts" I thought. I remember actually looking down and I was holding my hand over my heart not even noticing. I think subconsciously I could tell it was breaking apart. He firmly held my hand through the airport, almost as if he wasn't sure exactly how to let it go. Then he walked me back to the car.

As soon as we stepped up to it he turned and grabbed me in for a hug. He held me for a long while and I was taking in deep breaths to avoid letting the tears fall. I was tired of crying in front of him. He said all the things you could imagine wanting to hear... how much he loved me, how much he was going to miss me... and I just said thank you. What I wanted to say was "Then why are you doing this!" but I didn't. At this point, it was already done. We prayed together. He kissed me and hugged me over and over again and begged me to drive home safely. He was holding my hands in his when he looked at me and said "We're doing the right thing, right?" "I don't know" was all the response I could muster. "But we can't think of anything else, right?" He asked next. "No, I guess not" "Ok then, so we'll get through this... this too shall pass" "mmhhmm" His eyes looked so sad. What I was really thinking was, "I hope we get through this, but this is wrong, we should be working through it together, not breaking up to fix it. I'm moving on starting Monday, and I hope you figure out whatever it is you need to figure out before it's too late."

It was finally time. He went to hug me one last time and as we were holding each other I couldn't keep it in anymore and I could feel my tears hot on my cheeks. I said it, I didn't want to say it, but I couldn't think of anything else to say so I spit it out, "Please, just come back for me" "I will, I will, I will" he said. Why is this so hard? Why is this so dramatic? and then when I looked at him and he looked like he was tearing up, I wanted to scream. "If this is so hard then why are we doing it?!?!" He opened my door and put me in the car. He held onto my hand as he told me he loved me one more time. "To infinity" he says. Then he kissed me and shut the door. Before he walked away he put his hand on the window and I reached up to meet it. "I hate this" I thought. As he turned to walk to the terminal I placed my head down on the steering wheel and cried. When I looked up out of my windshield up at the bridge cross from the garage to the terminal, there he was, standing there looking down at me. I looked up and he put his hand out in a wave. I put my hand up to the window and then he did the I love you sign in sign language. I did it too and held it there for a minute. He then blew me a kiss and walked into the airport.

This is awful. Straight out of a made for TV movie and here we are, still breaking up. Horrible, isn't it? On the drive home I finally called my best friends to update them on everything. I stopped at the store to buy wine, and candy corn, then headed out to Sgt.'s families house.

It might be strange that on the night of my breakup, I go to his families for supper, but they invited me and insisted on me coming. I got to know them and they became "family" before Sgt. and I even started dating so in spite of our relationship and what terms it might be in at the moment, they will always be important to me.

When I got there, we opened the wine and I vented. I didn't cry, I was mad. Still am. They are very good at allowing Sgt. to just be "some guy" when I need it to be that way. We put on Diary of a Mad Black Woman and I made funny/sad comments like "don't believe him!" as we laughed and drank. Sgt. called and I could tell because T stepped out of the living room to take the call. When she sat back down I asked "Is he ok?" and she said "no, he sounds about as thirsty as you are at the moment, but don't worry about him, he'll figure it out" He called to ask if I made it home ok.

Throughout the night he texted and called T. I didn't ask what he said, or if he was ok anymore. The only other question I asked was if he made it home ok. As the night drew on and everyone else was in bed, except T and I, I let some of those defenses down. Truth be told I was a little tipsy and that probably had something to do with it. But I allowed myself to ask why he was doing this, and what I could've done different. "It's not you" she said "it's him" I paused and thought about that for a minute and then I said "I wish it was me" and began to cry. She said he told her he felt awful and she told him "you should, you just let the best thing that ever happened to you go, so you should feel awful" "what should I do?" he asked ... I don't remember her answer.

She told me I would be ok and I said I knew. I know I'll be ok... it's just, I don't WANT to just be ok.

This morning I got home around 7, after spending the night out there, and went back to sleep. I woke up just before noon and unloaded the car. My apt. is a mess... but I'll clean tomorrow.

Honestly, I haven't cried a whole lot. Not like I thought I would. I've cried, definitely, but it's usually just spurts here and there. Mostly, I am in a daze. I am hurt, but numb, and the times that I'm not, I'm angry.

Why am I expendable? Even if he DOES come back and decide he made a mistake and wants to be with me, it doesn't make it better. It doesn't make it ok. He kept saying it wasn't a break-up, just a break, because he was looking at it with the intention of getting back together. I told Saturday, he could do what he wanted, but that it didn't work like that for me, and it was very much a break-up. Why? Because, I can't go into this just thinking that sometime soon, he'll come back. Truth is, what if I don't want him to? What if I wake up out of this haze I'm in and realize "I can't do this again, and I can't trust that it won't happen again." And why does he get the comforting thought that I'll just be here when he figures out whatever it is he needs to figure out. No.

The terms we set are these: For two weeks, no contact. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texting... for two weeks. For him, because if he really needs time to take a step back, it's got to be a big step back and for me, because the calling and contact and "but why?" statements after a little too much Pinot is torturous. After those two weeks we will see where we're at and go from there. Like I said, the only difference between his "break" and "break-up" theory is with the hope we will end up together so we are "allowed" to see other people if we choose.

I'm just lost right now. I miss him so much. He wanted to get one last text in before the two weeks even though we agreed that it would begin when he got to the airport so this morning I hear the familiar chime and go to check.

"Well, I made it back to the house and am texting, like I said I probably would. I hope you're feeling a little better and getting better by the minute... frankly, I miss you, and hope I start feeling a little better soon too. I LOVE YOU, no matter what, and I will talk to you very soon. As in, two weeks of course. Please take care of yourself. - Sgt. " - true to my word, I did not text back.

I hate this. All of it. The next two weeks will be horrible, and I think the worst part of it all is the not knowing. I don't know if he will come back, even though that seems to be his intent. I don't know if I will let him come back, even though right now all I want to do is be in his arms. I don't know anything right now and I hate it.

Somewhere in there, in all of this, it's there. That potential to be amazing in love, to be it for one another, to be strong. I just hope that somewhere through all of this, we can find it.

4 comments:

Lindsay

It sounds as though you have a very good (I know, it's all relative) outlook on the way things are.

In the end, you have to live your life for you. You cannot possibly sit around waiting to see "maybe" and "what if". Of course I hope and pray that your Sgt. get's his act together because quite frankly he's being a dumb-ass. And I mean that in the best possible way. *R* has had moments of dumb-assity as well. What person hasn't, right?

Just try to stay busy. Focus on things that you enjoy. Throw yourself into a project. Heck come on down to San Antonio for a visit and I'll buy you a much needed drink!

AFG

I have been thinking about you and hoping you're okay. You sound so strong, and that gives me hope.

Erin

I hope it starts to hurt a little less soon! Red wine helps! I am so sorry you have to go through this.

AFG

I think because you wrote about drinking red wine, I had a dream last night that I sat down with a bottle and it was good... I freakin HATE wine! Corona Light is my choice ;)