Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The first 48 hours

Well, arrived here in Tennessee just fine!

I left at 4:00am on Sunday, I stopped in Austin to get water, in Waco to get gas (and pee), in Texarkana to get out of the FREAKING CAR (and to get gas), stopped just outside of Memphis for... more gas, and arrived in Nashville just after dark, around 7:00. About 15 hours and it was alll worth it!

Sgt was getting so excited for me to arrive, he kept calling me and asking for an update as I got closer (especially when I crossed over the border into Tennessee). The last 15 min. he just stood outside on his porch waiting for me... the man was ready to just drive to wherever I was and meet me somewhere he was so excited! It was a wonderful feeling :). I was excited too, the closer I got to the house the faster my heart raced, when I pulled into the driveway it was all I could do to not jump out of the car while it was still in drive. As soon as the car was safely put in park he opened my door and pulled me out of the seat straight into his arms. It was wonderful. It makes me smile just thinking about it. After the initial hugs and kisses he lead me into the house where he was starting dinner (so that I would have time to shower the road off me and relax before supper) and the entire house was cleaned and prepped for my arrival. Yes, there were even candles. He made me dinner and after that I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep so he came to bed with me around 9 and I had the first complete nights sleep since the last time we were together... it was wonderful.

The next morning we both woke up early so we would have some time together before he headed off to school. We joked around and took our time, he made us coffee and we talked about what the day had in store for each of us. There were random hugs and lots of smiles. It felt so wonderful to be here. We talked about us moving in together, going to look at apartments, and what kind of furnishings we each had. He wants a contemporary coffee table, so we talk about that. He left for school and I started my day.

And then it happened. Our biggest fight to date. Over nothing really, well no, not nothing, A BIG something... but mostly a BIG miscommunication. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it all. At the time, I felt numb and sick. I reconsidered even unpacking, not knowing if I would be staying here at all. Yes, that serious. It was probably a blessing in disguise that Sgt's battery died that morning and he had to take my car to school... because in the heat of the moment, and in my reactive state, I may have just driven away. We agreed to talk about it when he got home from school... this was around 9:30 that morning. Sgt. didn't get home until 3.

The entire morning I felt horrible, how was this happening to me? This had to be a mistake, he will have a good reason for his reaction, and I will have a good one for mine. No, I am not overreacting... overreaction would be murder, THIS feeling is completely normal. No, KJ, don't call friends.... it's embarrassing enough already, and you know what they will say, they will protect you. Ok... just call THAT friend. Sgt. calls... he gives me an update on when he'll be home, "feeling any better yet?" he asks. "Not sure how I feel" is my response. We didn't say I love you when we hang up and I notice. Again... numb. There's got to be a good reason for all of this. His things arrive from Germany and I wipe my tears as I let the moving man inside. I told Sgt. I would do his laundry.... screw him and his laundry. No, I love him, and there's a reason for all this, I'll do the laundry. And I'll clean the kitchen, and I'll sweep and wipe around the back of the coffee maker.... anything to not think about this. I'm trying to listen to the radio as I feverishly clean.... anything really. Stupid Carrie Underwood and her "Just a dream" song... I had stopped crying until you started singing again! Damn it. Laundry is all folded... what now? My friend calls back, "what are you going to do?" "I'm going to unpack" - I didn't even know that's what I was going to do until she asked the question. "Why?" she asks. I love her, and she's just being protective, she means well and I get that. "Because," I said with a pause... "because, I love him, and we deserve a chance to figure this out."

I fall asleep on the couch after all my unpacking is done, it's 1:30. I wake up and it's 2:00. He will be getting out of his class soon. He'll call. I wait... stupid TV shows are not helping. They all seem to be about my reality at the moment and I'm trying very hard to NOT think about that. He calls and is stopping for a battery charger if that's ok with me. It's fine... more time to sleep. I feel drained and exhausted from the day already. I go outside and lay on the porch swing and take a short nap, but it's hot so I go back inside 15 min. later. Finally, something good is on TV. I'm halfway through an episode of friends when he walks through the door.

I look up at him and he doesn't say much. He walks past me angry and I understand that. But I'm angry too so he can eat it. Then he walks over and hands me my keys and says with a pointed quick tone "thankyouforlettingmeuseyourcarhereareyourkeys" "Yep" He walks to the bedroom and then comes out again, he's walking with swift bold strides but not saying anything and then finally as he sets everything down in the kitchen he turns and says, "I'd like to propose 3 ground rules" (he's obviously had some time to think about this) "Number 1. Neither of us leaves and trys to get in the car and drive off because we're mad. We'll end up getting ourselves hurt or someone else." "deal" I replied. "Number 2, you know how I feel about ultimatums, so I'm not going to make any and I would appreciate the same" I thought about this one for a second and then said "ok, and?" "Three, I have no tolerance for the break up game, I think we're at a point in our relationship where that shouldn't even be an issue" For someone not too keen on ultimatums I've already found a pretty black and white statement but I decide not to mention that too him and instead say "fine with me"

See the difference here is that he is angry. No, he's furious... and I get that. But I am hurt. I am wounded. He's responding in the way I'd assume he would, but I am not responding in the way I am. I'm angry too but not as much as hurt. And I don't even know what to say to him. He talks, and he said something that made me mad, so I finally blurt out a raised voice. We're both sitting on the couch, I am facing him, leaning up against the arm of the couch but my arms are sternly crossed and it's quite clear I'm defensive. He is sitting at the other end sitting and facing forward... closed off as well. We address my problem first, which is the misunderstanding. And however misunderstood it was, it was still disrespectful and inconsiderate. Had he thought about that at the time he would've realized it but he didn't. He admitted that. However, the way I handled it was wrong also. Neither of us will apologize for our reaction or the misunderstanding so we're at a wall. He takes the wall as an opportunity to dispel my concerns. And he does.... like I said, I knew there was a better explanation, and although I'm blogging about much of the situation, the root issue and the inevitable make up, I believe, are for us alone. After my issue is addressed we take a break. Away from one another. I stay in the bedroom (which is where we moved to mid argument) sitting on the bed, trying to process and he goes outside for a moment. When he comes back in, I apologize for the way I handled it. I agreed there was a better way to deal, and although I am very hurt by the lack of consideration for my feelings in this particular situation (seeing as it has NEVER been a problem before), I can respect the fact that it was handled poorly, so I apologized. He thanked me and agreed to his part in the wrong-doing.... but there was still a barrier between us. We had argued, and we had "made up" but we were still both very wounded. He told me that all of it didn't change the fact that he loves me, and he said he wanted me to stay but knew that it was my decision. He asked that I take 24 hours to decide but I had already decided. The rest of the evening we didn't say much to each other, and we didn't touch each other at all. He talked and joked around with his friend, and I played with his friends daughter... and we both had a pleasant demeanor, but there was still tension in the air.

After supper we sort of moved about the house almost avoiding each other. He would walk into the living room and sit down in the spot I had just gotten up from. When I walk back in he asks if I'd like it back in a nice way, but I decline and go to the bedroom to pick out an outfit for my interview the next day. He walks outside, and after a while I walk out and ask his opinion about my choice of dress. He smiles and nods and gives me a thumbs up. We're trying I guess but we're still both off. When that's all done, and they're back inside, I go outside... and I pray. I pray for about 15 min. I hear him open the door to come outside and he stood there for a moment and then it shut. He didn't interrupt me.

Finally, night rolls around... actually 7:30 rolls around and we're finally talking a bit more. He was at his desk and when I came up behind him to ask him a question, I rubbed his back briefly. I'm trying... I want that connection back. Then he comes into the room where I'm watching TV and sits next to me. He puts his hand on my knee and tells me he's going to go to bed soon and asks if I am too or if I'd like to stay up. I tell him I'll go to bed with him... even though it's early, I'm tired. I got into bed first and then he asks if he can turn off the light. He does and then he climbs in. I'm wondering if he's going to even lay close to me like usual. However, I'm further towards the other side of the bed also.

But then, I feel him get under the covers and drape his arm across me. I reach for his hand and finally, we get some of that connection back. As he's laying close next to me and we're cuddling, he can feel me twitching. Not like crazy but it's noticeable. He points it out and then asks whats wrong. I tell him I just hate fighting with him and I guess I'm just tense. He then says "I thought we were done fighting?" Men. or Women. Maybe it's me. I say "we are, but... I don't know, it's still in the air, ya know?" he's quiet and he says "I'm not even tired, I just wanted this day to end, and tomorrow to begin." I know exactly what he means.

As we layed there in bed I could feel him cuddle closer and he could feel me relax. We talked some more, and there were brief kisses on the hand, or the shoulder... until he finally kissed me goodnight and told me he loved me.

This morning was good. He kept slapping the snooze button even though he insisted on getting up early, he stayed in bed with me. Before he left he wished me luck on my interview and brought me a cup of coffee. He's trying too. There hasn't been many texts or phone calls today, so I'm hoping that this evening will go better than last night.

The past 48 hours have been the best, and the worst of times. But we're still here... still in love... still working on our relationship and hoping that each challenge will bring us to another level and another step.

5 comments:

Anonymous

Hang in there. Just the fact that the two of you are talking it out tells me that you will get to that place again. Only in a mature caring relationship would the two of you even care about making things right. Remember sometimes one of you just needs to be the adult to get past things even when neither of you wants to. Things will work out.

d.a.r.

Someone told me once that these kind of fights/disagreements are a necessary evil in a relationship. They break a plateau and bring your relationship to a new level with a new strength. We had a similar fight (though, I have no idea what yours was about, the evolution of it was very much the same) about 5 months before our wedding. We were both so mad and disillusioned that we contemplated calling off the wedding. But, we worked through it. Slowly....torturously....but we were patient. And respectful. Even though we were both hurt and mad. And that was a turning point for us, we have never really fought the same since that day.

Hopefully yall will find renewed strength! I hope the interviews go well!

Roxanne

Your post made me giggle. I'm so sorry you had a big fight, but I'm so happy you two made up! Remember love takes work and there will always be tiffs. I can't wait to hear more!

AFG

I'm glad it all worked out in the end. As for me... I'm moving back to CT tomorrow :( No more cuddling for us.

Lindsay

I believe a relationship without some arguing or dissention isn't honest. There are going to rough times and it's in getting through those times that helps you learn the most about each other.

You went to Tennessee to get some real, every day life with Sgt. and sometimes real, every day life sucks. But you still get through it, and in the end you would rather fight with him than love anyone else. Good job on working through it. Now the hard part comes...true forgiveness.